i feel dizzy. i dont know why really. i have had a three day long nosebleed though. today was worse than all the other days. anyhow. man! hes great! hmm i love him. anyways though. i went over to crestens all day and had to hear him fight with his mom all evening. ok so she was mad because he had alex over without asking yesterday and stayed out till 12:30. he was supposed to be home by 12:00. ok so she got mad and just once (since her car is in the shop), she took his blazer this morning to work without telling him. he got all pissed off right? well theres more, i just dont want to explain it. point is cresten. sitting back and looking at it, youre both right. she really did have no right to take the truck without asking. but can you see it like this too please? ok. look youre 18, but really cresten.. do you really think you could make it on your own.. even with a job? your mom is paying for half your stuff as is. insurance.. shit like that. im just sayin.. as long as you have this cushy oppurtunity, keep it, cuz itll get harder, just you wait. you dont have loaded give you money whenever youll need it grandparents like i do. anyways.. thats going nowhere. but im saying. yeah youre 18 but youre still not an ADULT. cresten youre still as immature as i am half the time. i mean really just cuz youre 18 doesnt mean you shouldnt follow some rules. i cant have friends over whenever i feel like it, and i understand why. i mean hell you wouldnt want random people your mom knows but you dont, just walking in the house all the time. so maybe you should call her and ask before you go doing that. and dont make promises you cant keep. if you say youll be home at 11:30 - 12:00 be home by then. i mean once again just cuz youre 18 dosent mean you sholdnt still have a curfue. i have a friend, pat, whos 19 still lives at home and has a curfue of 11:30. and he keeps it just out of pure respect for his parents. even tho their bitches. i mean just doing these things will make it easier on you and your mom. i mean youre always complaining about her, and maybe if you just do what she asks itll make things easier. if you do then she wont have shit on you to bitch about. im not bitchin at you im just telling you how i see it from the angle i had in the argument. and saying your sorry, and making it sound like you are, even if you arent.. it helps. i mean then she at least feels like you care about her. but no she doesnt have any right at all to tell me to break up with you. thats stupid. but i can see why she does it, cuz shes afraid that youll do stupid shit like this to me. and to be truthful.. you do a lot. the whole promises you dont keep shit. but its not bad or anything so i wont get into it. and she shouldnt have taken the blazer, but really did you see how it felt? pretty shitty huh? thats kinda how she feels when you do stuff like what you pulled with alex to her. and thats how i feel when you promise me youll be at church on sunday morning, but instead you sleep in and dont show. (granted you had a great excuse why you wernt at church this sunday) ... *sigh* i dont know what im getting at. i love you more than anything though. oh and about porn earlier.. yeah lol i know its your downfall. dont think your mom hasnt told me. so. blee. i know about it. anyways. its gross. so i dont know why youd look at it, guess its a guy thing. anyways. i do love you. i only want you to see it from where i was. and yeah i guess it does sound like im taking your mom's side, but hell she makes some good arguments, and i guess i can relate, being a female, knowing what its like for pointless stuff to mean everything. .but yeah. i had a lot of fun today. and i love it when we just lay there on your bed like that. falling asleep with you. i feel so happy and safe. i just... i dunno. its great. and i just dont want you to end up stupid and stuff. like jacob. i dont, thinking as if i have a future with you, i dont want to have to wait up till 1 in the morning for you to get home from god knows where cuz you felt like going out and havin a drink with the guys... and stuff. and like how am i gonna handle it if i catch you with pot.. saying its jut you and me living together. how will i manage that? i dunno. do you see why its so important to keep your promises? i mean half the time when you tell me youll be at church i dont believe you just cuz you never keep that. maybe you get my point. im not mad, actually im quite content. but this is some stuff ive been wanting to say for a while. i just dont know how to put it. blee. i doubt if youll even read this anytime soon. or if youll even read it at all. but if you do its just how i feel sometimes. so point. i wont believe that you can make it on your own until you can prove to keep a promise and that you start showin a little respect for you mom. and tell her stuff. dont lie to her anymore. if youre goin out afterschool dont make her think youre at work.. just tell her what you were doing. cuz ... well.. really it sounds really bad if you dont tell her. anyways. I LOVE YOU!! MORE THAN ANYTHING! its only been two hours since you left and i miss you already! aaaah. oh and something else i wanted to talk about but i wont, is ... before we were dating. you think you had it hard and angsty. shit. you didnt deal with shawn. lol. well adieu for now. im a little tired and im goin to bed. thats right at 9:30. im such a fucking loser.