so... fuck. shawn... called. i hate you. i dont want to talk to you. oooh, so you got a condo on the lake. fuck you. is this an 'I want you back' call? what the fuck? go out to eat with me and cresten? what shit is this????! FUCK I DONT NEED YOU IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW! NOT BACK!!! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND I LEFT YOU FOR CRESTEN??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! fuck. i just broke the chair. god im so damn angry. ... ok. i took a walk and kicked a few things. and played the piano for a while. but im still so fucking pissed. just not raging. im just pissed. im still brooding over the fact that cresten lied to me. and the longer i brood the more pissed i get. you know what FUCK THIS. make a choice. right now. babe. me or fucking pot. im so sick of having to just deal with this. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. but im SO SICK OF BEING LIED TO. man i was so fucking happy all through friday. when i was with cresten. when i still believed he was sober. HAHHAHAHA well all good things come to an end??? espically saturday. wont evaluate. but. shit im so pissed at myself. i hate myself. for falling in love again. for being scared to be hurt some more. for not wanting to accept cresten as a pot head. for being so individual. FOR saying FUCK YOU to authority. man. theres one guy. i know he would treat me better. like a darling princess. he dosent smoke. cigaretts or pot. hes not too shabby and hes ever so sweet. but no. i dont want that. i dont want him. i love him. but like a really close friend. (no not michael frey) i love cresten so much more. i mean. i know. im so happy as is with him. its just this one thing that gets to me. pisses me off. and makes me so upset and cry. and especially when he lies about it. i mean if he would just quit this nonsense and actually tell me the goddamned truth i know id be the happiest girl in the world. no one could be better than him. i dont even care that he smokes cigarettes. infact. ive been around so much second hand smoke lately that i crave one. but. i dunno. i want to talk to him about this... but what will i say?!?! ive been dwelling on this for the past three days. its to the point where im gonna make him choose. the longer he keeps me waiting... ya know.. since hes been whatthefucking all goddamned weekend.. hasnt even bothered to call to say hi... the more i just want to slap him and cry. but thas all i ever do anymore. is fucking kick shit and cry. shit ive called so many fucking times over there. especially saturday when mom and i got into it so bad. and what the fuck was he doing? out at "band practice"! you know what happened the last time he went to "band practice"? he was fuckin smokin pot at Stoked. FUCK YOU CRESTEN!!!! ARRRRGGHH! oh and this shit. if i do start. im gonna smoke when and wherever i fucking please. cuz you do. so why cant i???! oh yeah. ive talked to Jacob. its a damn shame i dont know all your fucking pot head friends cuz id smack em all and bitch em out. oh shit theyd hate me. thats why you never took me to meet them... isnt it?!?! so im past this point of just... "letting it go" no fuck that. you sit here and say "durh. im gonna get my life together" bullshit. show me. huh?! prove it to me that youre quitting. or at least attempting to. NONE of this "cutting back" shit that Lempy was talkin about. no fuck that. either you quit cold. or i HAVE to go. please. i dont want to go. i dont want to get hurt again. i dont want to hurt you. i LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART. but i cant keep letting myself go. i cant keep getting hurt all the time. ive got to do something about something. and well this is the first step. ya know the more you lie to me about it the more it drives this wedge of resentment in our relationship that Ill never get over. i dont want a husband i cant trust cresten. please. shit. i dont even know now. im so tired from mini camp. so pissed at the heat and work. but its good cuz it gets me away from everything. for a while. and when those beta endorphins kick in.. its this incredible sense of well-being. but coming down is a bitch. im so effing depressed and aggravated. so ill be sorry about this entry too later. but not now. im not. this is what i feel. you wanted me to tell you how i feel. well this is it. this is what i feel like at this moment in time. so. listen to what i have to say for fucking once and FUCKING QUIT LYING TO ME!!!