this is just another example of how life fucks me. really. i didnt do anything wrong and i get hellfire and brimstone for it. im starting to believe that maybe god hates me. or whatever force guides life. for some reason im just not to be liked. just fuck it all. i mean, i can't fight coincidence. lol god, its hilarious. im just like REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS? wtf. idk im starting to hate everyone. every scene dye-my-hair-pink-and-green little hoe bag and every tight pants wearing wannabe fall out boy douche bag. pretty much everyone outside my little circle of tight knit friends whom i feel are intelligent. i believe i just gave up. i believe i just dont care anymore. i mean, its stupid for me to be upset when i didnt do anything wrong. truth is, i love kyle. more than anyone or anything. i didnt ever want to hurt him but i did. i should have never lied. i had a problem with honesty before but i learned my lesson and now, lying makes me sick to my stomach. ill be honest with everyone who asks what happened when i talk to them about it. i tell them the truth if they judge me, they judge me. most dont. but you know. being honest makes me feel so much better. theres nothing to hide when you tell the naked truth. and its a lot less stress. and i like that. i still just feel sick. because, i care about him. i dont want to argue anymore. i just want to try to support him in what hes doing and have fun like we did at holiday world. im sick of the arguments, you know? not like because of the stress, just that i get sick when i argue my best friend. i just get tired of shit happening thats out of my control. death, gas prices, tuition, aids in africa, random shit. i just feel like some awful evil thing follows me around and does shit. just to fuck things up. its ridiculous now. i really need to see that therapist. for sure, i will go out there next week. i have so much to say. i just want someone to HEAR me. idk. its just sometimes, i wanna say: come on life, throw it at me. give me your best shot. i just went numb.