*sigh* creseten. it feels like he should be here. in my bed.. or i in his. or ouside. in eachother's arms. watching the stars spin by and the moon sulk across the night sky. i have to say.. im glad we talked. really. i mean im not happy with some things. but you know. we all have to compromise. and im sure that this diary is becoming a documentation of my insanity. because i recall.. oh not so long ago... how pissed i was at him. i am, certainly, now.. completely.. utterly.. in love. how will i handle this if it goes away? if it goes away....... i dont want it to go away. id be a fool to let it go. but. what.. about when i cant handle being hurt. ill let it go for now. let it go. its what we all should do. and for once i feel like crying... not from saddness... but because i feel... content inside. to know and let go. andy leaves for Iraq in august. how will i handle that? with him and in his heart he carries a part of me. and. well. if things to say get worse. and something happens to him. i feel a little bit of me will die with him. and. im saddened by it. hes such a friend. and. i was reminded today of all our crazy night escapades. that have now become a ritual performed almost nightly. but not by us anymore. by me and all my friends. i remember the xbox til five in the morning. i remember the drunk nights of crying on his shoulder cuz i loved cresten so much but was with that sonofaloserbitch shawn. telling andy the story over and over of kissing cresten prom night and not even feeling sorry. i remember the look he had when he told me... of course that drunken night i took him as more than a friend... that he loved me. and i remember telling him that i knew and that to me.. my heart was cresten's. and agreeing that a relationship between us (andy and i)would never work. and i remember the last night he was in town, we went up to newburgh and watched the barges go down the river under the stars and cried. cuz. well a guy like andy dosent cry until hes faced with losing friends, family and everything familliar and risking his life. and how much. i love and care.. still. not that i want to date him. just that. i care. too much. and to see him waste his life away on alcohol because he joined a military he hates and is risking his life for a country thats never given him a reason to want to. and how he regrets joining. of course. he was stoned the day he signed up for it. haha i remember that story. but. all in all. i dont know what im getting at. nostalgia i guess. but it i dunno. i love cresten. i cant.. explain it. i wish there was more than just the word to express. the word and sex. i wish.. something more intimate than even that. i care about cresten so much it hurts. it hurts when i see him, hear of him, smoking. putting that shit in his body. and even more so just because he wants to have fun. he could have called that day and hung out. but no instead he smoked. ... but. im over right now. or not really. but. what can i do. i cant force him to not smoke. and he says its not a problem. for me its a problem. i dont like you fucked up. youre stupid when you are. but. i guess im just gonna have to learn how to deal with these feelings. because. well. i know he still smokes every so often. im not retarded. and no i never said i hadnt smoked once or twice myself. i just you know. getting all fucked up just to have fun isnt worth it. I LIKE YOU FOR YOURSELF. i hate the drunk, the stoned you. thats why it bothers me. i couldnt explain it today cuz i really didnt know, but i layed back and listened to some Jack and i realized thats it. i just felt like you were always too good for that shit. thats why. and no. my friends well... thats another story. for sometime when you actually get to read this again. is it weird that the person who everybody tells their problems to, tells hers to a website? where people barely comment for advice.. where she goes back and reads it every damn day to analyze how she feels cuz she never knows what the fuck shes typing as she writes it.. yeah. this is the documentation of my insanity.