well. im back i dont know i havent written in a while. i mean. sandra leaves tomorrow. and. its sad because i JUST found out how cool she is yesterday. its kinda sad. i really almost want to cry. at first i wanted my lonely quiet mornings back. but now. i think i almost dread that feeling of nothing in the house but quiet stillness. i think of those families that have three kids and are all busstling around trying to get things together before mom has to hurry off to work. i wish i had at least had that at one point in my life. my life has been so much reflection and thought. all i do is think espically in English i love/hate mrs. hewig. shes one of those teachers that knows im smarter than i put off and she pushes me. makes me participate in class and stuff. either by the end of this year... shell be one of my favorites or ill call her a pompus twat and walk out of class. i havent decided as for right now i feel depressed i mean. im with kyle. and i guess me and cresten came to the agreement that if we wanted to even think about maybe (not saying we're going to) but maybe having a relationship again someday.. that we'd have to start over again. forget everything we had. foget that we were in love. and i say IN love. for the fact that i was. i mean. theres just a difference between LOVING a person. and being IN LOVE. i know what its like. sometimes i really miss the feeling of being IN love. just a lot of drama i guess has made me just not care about much i mean. damnit. sometimes kyle irks me in that he takes things so serriously. like cresten did for a while. reading into my every word to find the god damn hidden meaning and granted i DO have a lot of hidden meanings in what i say sometimes. but. hell. a lot of the time im just doing something to be doing it. like. example: i changed my myspace name to 'you could have it so much better with... Zelda' i just wanted to do a play off the new Franz Ferdinand album. because as we all know im obsessed. i thought it was a witty title. and i wanted to steal it. meeh. well. kyle thinks that i changed it as a sign for someone i guess. i dont know. like. as if i was trying to tell cresten to get back together with me or something. whatever. and the other night. there was some shit about garrett. well. i mean i do love kyle. a lot. but.. sometimes he gets so dramatic. you know. like. worked up over little things it kinda makes me iffy to talk to him because i dont know if hell even respond to what i have to say. i think thats what i miss. is just being able to TALK. about anything the sky. stars. linoleum. Plato. anything. i dont know. i mean. i feel.. sort of controlled. or like. kyle and i dont have as many interests the same or something. i mean whe have a lot of stuff the same. but then theres so much thats not. or that hes just not interested in. but i give him one thing. hes the only guy that doesnt give me praise for being good at piano or art or anything. but. like i said. i cant tell if hes just not interested or if he doesnt really care about it. cuz. i mean i think its cool that he doesnt make me seem like a supergirl or something because im "soooo talented" but. i dont know. im gonna go eat. this is just how i feel RIGHT NOW. not. every second of every day. i just needed to write agian. and tell someone... that i still feel like my life is going to hell in a handbasket. its times like these where i really miss the TPK.