so. i just wanted to write jesus. hes gotten off the phone with me before just to go write blogs and i dont question him. its like. hes afraid to read something bad in here, but doesnt want me to make it private, so i wont.this one i dont feel like spacing. just the thoughts. frist. its like. ok. so. umm notebook. i dont know what it is. but i want to open him up. i want to know the very interworkings of kyle. i want to KNOW him. more intamently that anyone has. ever or ever will. i want to be a part of kyle that hell never forget. it bothers me. he writes all his thoughts down in that thing. that makes me feel like when im on the phone with him or talking to him, im not getting his true thoughts. opinions. im probably not. he hides so much from me. or so much of his thoughts, just to spare my feelings. it hurts to know if thats how he really feels about stuff. but id like to know about it to try to change it. i dont know what im really getting at. ive never come across a relationship before where so much matters. ill get on that later. well. i dont know. i guess i mean. its so much discussion of feelings, how i feel, how he feels. its like we just cant. be. you know. like. just. together. everything is always SOO emotional. SOOO dripping with meaning. we cant just. love. you know. together. second. comparison. with what. cresten!? how am i not supposed to. i compared cresten to shawn all the time. no matter how much he doesnt want me to. i always will. compare him to my past. i cant help it. its automatic. and when i just talk about cresten. im not comparing. im just talking. about the things we did. the things we liked. i dont care if he would talk about megan. i actually kind of want him to. to know. that stuff is a part of him. i hate how he just spends so much time blocking so much out. it bothers the living piss out of me. he never deals with. he just blocks. he carrys a large burden with him. becaus he wont let shit go. kyle is the kind of guy that will hold a grudge. or maybe not hold a grudge. but be bitter. i cant do that. ill always be bitter to mom. but theres a lot more than just one thing there. but like with cresten. kyle expects me to hate him pretty much. i cant do that. its not in me. i dont just hate. no matter what the person does to me. yeah sure i might throw that word out there every once in a while. but i dont serriously mean it. except when im talking about mom. but i mean. i cant hate cresten and i cant hate our relationship. cuz im the fucknut that stayed with it. i could have left at anytime. but i knew there was something better in that boy. he was a project for me. i took care of him. it took me to leave him for him to finally be what i know he can be. i give him shit too much. he still hasnt got everything together but at least hes quit the drugs. but i know hell be more someday and im proud of him. as gay as it seems. sometimes our relationship could be compared more to me being a mentor, a role model for him. third. i feel sort of like. i want to open up kyle. i want to take him. and make him forget about all that stuff in his past. show him that he CAN MOVE ON and not drag it up into now. let megan go. for god sake. she never loved you. it wasnt what you thought. honestly. you know this and i know this. so just forget about her. forget she fucked with you. its not worth caring about anymore. its not worth trying to save her victims. shes a crazy bitch. and im sorry she did what she did to you. fourth. i want to know what he thinks about me. im not fishing for compliments. i really want to know what he loves about me. does he lay in bed at night and think about my eyes and how muc he wants to look into them? i do. about him. does he think about the times we made love and wonder how much it really means to me, like i do? (hes another point that really bothers me, i call it making love, cuz thats what i feel. he calls it having sex...) i want to know those things. does he think about marriage? does he.. want to marry me maybe? would he ever think about that? ... would he care? would he want to have a future with me like that? i like to think about that stuff. believe it or not im a girl. i want to think about my wedding day. and who it will be to. what will happen. who will be there. im gay. i want to know that stuff. i dont think its "corny" if he says those things to me. i think theyre sweet. i just want to hear it. it makes me happy. i want to be so in love with him. im just afraid to tell him im so madly in love with him. i think hell think im gay. fifth. sometimes i think i confuse him. like he doesnt get me. example. about my room i told him that its fucked upness makes me feel welcome and warm. that other places make me feel cold and inunique. i dont think he got it. if you cant get my room and why it matches me. theres probably a big problem. i was scared to show him my room. i thought he wouldnt like it. he didnt. i was afraid for him to judge me. everyone else likes it. cresten did. need does. mike brady. fro. everyone thats even just walked in there has liked it. they like it cuz the colors and the distractedness. theres always something to look at. i never get bored in there. i feel like everything else is there if i need it, but its still just minding its own business. thats why i sleep well. sixth. i hate myspace. i really do. this thing and myspace. before he found out i had either, they were just both things i did in my spare time. i used to play neopets. it used to be what i did, and before that i downloaded shit for the sims on the pc. this is just like my "grown up" form of fun. but its not. its so fucking immature. the way everyone treats goddamned myspace like its god. i refuse to give in. i refuse to be a faggot that is obsessed with making friends and flipping through band pages all the time. its not that i dont want everyone to know i love him. its so much trouble for me to actually go in there and change shit. its different. i dont go around commenting people all the time and bullshit. i just sit there. check it. write a blog maybe. look at his page. and sign out. its a momentous task for me to just change my layout. that and. i absolutely get sick of those sick.... "RAH RAH RAH IM SO OBSESSED WITH SO AND SO BLAH BLAH BLAH" i do get tired of it. hell there are people at NP that still think im dating shawn. i dont go down the hallways screaming about it. i love kyle. and everyone should be able to see that through my actions. the way i am when im around him. i dont NEED to go tell the whole fucking world. because i dont want the whole world to be so concerned with our relationship. its between me and him. and i love him. and thats how ive always been. i dont know. there you go. six major food groups for you to chew on.