i want to be so gone right now. this is honestly the first time ive wanted a cigarette in a long time. im scared. im a fuck up i want to live my own life now. and stop having people who think they know whats best for me to stop telling me what to do ill figure it out on my own time and no im not going to listen. i want to surround myself with people who care about me. the person who cares about me the most. i love this boy. madly. i dont care. so what. hes 19. wooooooooo 3 year difference. im sick with the thought of living without him of being a mindless nothing consumed with work and school. and nothing no love. i love him. i want him. all i need. is him. i dont care. anymore. i dont care what the neighbors say. so what. their petty little gossip problems will go away when i leave. i dont care what they think they dont know me and if the bible is true, theyll go to hell for wrongfully judging me. i need him so bad. to smell him. and hear him. and im so afraid. so scared. that ive lost him. i cant. ive worked so hard. put up with so much.... is this permanant? im scared. to be lost without him. or is this a couple weeks and we're back? should we keep going? thats probably a no but im so in love.... hes all i think about all i want. really. im so hallow right now. i just need a hug. this doesnt feel right. my eyes hurt. im tired of my eyes burning from crying. im tired of hurting. look. ive thought about it. im pathetic. mrs. tooley i could pull that trigger right now and all this hurt, pain, fear... itll all go away. and maybe ill be happy and maybe ill suffer eternal torment. but would god take pity on a broken soul? or turn his back on a dog that was kicked when it was down. does he really exist. or is he some mindless hope man created so that he could comfort himself with the fear of death. im not afraid. i cant do this. this life sucks. really. a drunk ass step brother who thinks hes my dead step father who thought he was the replacement for my cocaine fucked bio father. and a psychopathic mother. thats who i take my shit from. who tell me im not supposed to even talk to kyle. they dont love me he loves me theyre both more worried about their repuation. they just dont want to be known as having a daughter/sister who is a "whoring rambunctious, michevious, lying bitch." im not a whore. ive made love to only 3 guys. and ive loved them all very much. espically kyle. ... i dont go out and fuck random people the bitch treats me like im some heroin addicted pot smoking teen whos failing all her classes to prove a point and just wants to go smoke pot all the time. im not. i just miss kyle. already i love him and need him. period. i did type "end of story" but i dont want it to be. i want to be able to come back and write in this thing how we overcame this and everything got so much better ..... i just cant stop crying about this...