this might take a while. do you think im the "perfect blend"? that im like coffee? the girl that cant make up her mind? it is.. infact not making up my mind that makes me.. me. for instance. checkered etnies.. pinstripe chucks... choice: just buy both. ah. also.. do i want to come off as a hardass.. or.. the sweetest girl you ever met? choice: the sweetest hardass you ever met. so. see. this is where i have trouble. choices. im used to just... doing what i want. to.. having.. both worlds i guess. going off in another totally different direction. i walk a line. and i know it. its this nondecicionmaking ability that makes me a little bit of everything. i LIKE being a mixture of everything and everyone. not having an identity.. but in essence.. being this mixture defines who i am and what i stand for. which.. is really hard to figure out.. since im so much in one. im not bragging here. i think im trying to explain myself to myself. last night Kyle said that a lot of my problems stem from not realizing how valuable i am to some people. no. i do realize. its what keeps me from comitting suicide everyday. well like i mean.. its what i think about.. how many people my death would affect. i know some people who would just crack. and not cuz im SUPER SPECIAL. just cuz.. im all they have left pretty much. or maybe i am super special. i cant think of one person who truly out and out hates me. maybe some who dislike me, but none easily come to mind. anyways i think its what im afraid of. i spend a lot of time and effort being careful so as to get my point across and OFFENDING people.. but in a way that they know i dont hold anything against them. for instance. Friend: veronica, do you think im a slut. me: fuck yes. you have sex with random guys all the time. but.. hey.. you wanna go get coffee at stoked? Friend: uhh.. ok. i dont hate her for being a slut. i just dont care. he choices arent affecting me.. so why should i bother to care? but i really care when choices affect me. Mitch Daniels for instance. i could rip that man to shreds.. send his body parts to his family with a note saying "im after you next" and not even care much. what people have done in the past.. that doesnt bother me much either. its just something to take into account when necessicary. theres a lot of people that if i judged by their past.. well. i just wont go there. the thing is.. i hate people who judge by past.. or even parents. i get a lot of shit because of what my father did. who can do that, serriously? judge a man (girl in my case) by his father? they are different people, you know. another thing. i dont want people to be afraid of talking to me. thats what all the drama was about last night. cuz kyle didnt want to ask me a question cuz he was afraid id get pissed at him for just asking. now serriously, who does that? who gets pissed just for asking a question? i mean shit.. he was curious.. he can just ask besides.. hes one of the few people id be completely honest and tell everything to. not to say that i lie.. just .. usually i dont tell full truths to people outside my "circle". dont worry. most of you who read this are in my "circle". but yeah. i dont really have a point to this entry im even gonna get a little random and tell you that i really smell like SHIT from band camp today. really... really... smell. i just dont know. theres so much to say. i had it all on my mind during camp. planning out what im going to write, how ill word it. but now its blank. all gone. now that im here with the blank in front of me.. my heads gone blank. and everything is blank. except for the words already written. but isnt that how life goes? tell me if you get that. cuz i sure do. ah. so theres one of those reasons i think im fucked up. cuz i see so much in so little. and so little in so much. ahahah. that sounds really zen, but its true. look.. you may see something in... 50cent for example. but i dont. not much. just a guy. yeah hes got some money, but just cuz hes clever with words. thats all just.. a clever word guy. but. i see a lot in the rock in my driveway. i could stare at it for hours. almost asking it questions. its hundreds of years old, you know. it was probably a great mountain at one time. or maybe sand. but... its still there. and its a shame i cant see its story. thats why i like people. cuz they all have stories. every person is a walking, living, breathing, talking book. and they all have stories being written right before your very eyes! isnt that wonderful? id like to read them all. all the good times.. those passages that make your heart fill with joy for them. and all the bad times.. cuz i know that my story can relate. always. ive been through so much. always. i havent found a person that i cant realate to. that i dont know the feeling theyre going through. cuz ive been there. or still am there. but yeah. i want to be a part of people's stories. but i never want to be the villan. the character that ruins the whole plot and makes the whole thing go to hell. thats not what i want. i kinda want to be.. the fairy godmother.. or knight in shining armor.. and help people. or be that laid back cool freind. but.. i dont know. im so messed up and im not even on anything oh. i hung out with Paul today. man. it hit me too. that i still. well. love him. .... love. i fling that word around a lot. but how else do i describe the feeling i have for these people that i cherish so much? oh. its true i do.. love them. i couldnt name all the people i love. theres so many. and really. not a lot. i mean i could name them all. but it would just be a big amount of space and time. but theres a stronger love that i feel for some people. and thats why it kills me to know that Paul was tripping Ephedrine the other night at the wired. oh and to know he fingered miss Leighman. shes a hooker! why would you do that?! i hate to see him throw his reputation away like this. or well that and my respect. but. i dont know. i dont think he still cares about me the way he did. the way i still care about him. ah kyle. i do really like this guy. he treats me like im special. well.. i guess i am to him. i really like how we can hang out and be totally laid back. how we are both so easily amused. and how we think alike so much. but he's really confusing sometimes. i dont like how he runs away from his problems.. for instance.. if he needs to talk to me about something.. that hes upset about.. he drives off and spends most of the night avoiding me or being a recluse. i know that really bothers me.. id rather it just be straight foreward and get things settled instead of dragging them out. i dont like how he drinks sometimes to get away either. but. i cant say much. i do the same thing. its how i was raised to handle stuff i guess.. and a lot of my friends out where i live. so its just natural. .. on the other hand. i love kyles hair. i simply adore it. i dont know why i just do. especially when hes out smoking.. and hes sitting on the step leaning foreward and it falls into his face a little. simply gorgeous. but.. what i really like.. is his eyes. theyre so ... blue. or not really.. but.. like the color of the caribbean sea.. or ice. and they can show his feelings.. just as well. warm or cold. but i really love his eyes. i dunno. looking into them.. the eyes truly are a window into the soul.. if you know how to look. but is it odd the same features i like about kyle are the same i like so much about cresten? i mean.. i love cresten's hair (when he had hair).. and i love his eyes too. they're almost the same color blue as kyles. and.. that was a feature i liked about paul. the crystal blue eyes. i guess. you could say im a sucker for blue eyed boys. but cresten. ah. i love how we can have such immature fun together.. how he thinks me running around the bowling alley with a pool stick trying to do karate maneuvers on imaginary japs is cute. i love the stupid things we do together.. but i also adore how we can talk. the things i can talk to with him.. i cant talk about to anyone else. well. to kyle to an extent.. and to Lempy.. but.. not much. well. i guess im just really to get that in depth with kyle.. cuz i dont know what hed really think of me. mabye cuz he doesnt know me that well. or well.. that long anywyas. or well he has.. but hasnt known me like this for that long. there. thats it. but yeah. i mean i can talk about all those things i make stupid connections to with cresten.. and how i like to talk to the trees.. and get so over reactive about religion. i aslo love the little things he does.. like how hed kiss me on the forehead.. and the hand.. or hold me close to him. all the time. and im not saying im looking for attention all the time.. now that hes not around as much.. just that i miss that.. the small signs of affection. i just dont like the drugs.. which im sure he hasnt been doing for a while. and.. the fact that he is more of a woman than me sometimes. gets so overworked about stuff. and how hell leave and not call his mom until like whenever that night. and now that i think about it.. i should have bummed a cigarette from neil before i left band practice.. but i didnt remember to.. hmm. maybe its a sign saying that i SHOULDNT smoke.. considering kyle nor cresten will let anyone or anthing give me a cigarette. i dont know. so you see how my choice is hard. and how i still keep bringing up paul and that was long ago. and i used to care who reads this. but now i dont anymore. i dont mind if kyle wants to read it.. cresten.. anyone. cuz well . this is me. its a part of me. and well this is what i have to say.. at the exact moment in time that i write this. its what comes across my mind like a marqui. and i pity the fool who took the time to read this entire entry. :) but.. if you did. you get a brownie point and a gold star sticker... and a big "have a nice day". love, veronica. oh yes. and i totally adore Mike Hinman. hes my favorite of all time. ahahahaha. you wouldnt understand, you just wouldnt understand.