"id like to think all this constant interaction is just the kind to drive yourself away. each simple gesture done by me is kind of reactive and leaves me standing here with nothing left to say." i took a walk today. down to the creek. it was nice. the world is so wonderful. id like to walk it all. someday. no not fly, cruise, drive. walk. sometimes. when i think about places i want to go i have an idea in my head. i feel like ive seen something. ive got a picture in there. and it seems so real. you know. even though ive never seen it before anywhere, movies, pics. whatever. its so real. like a memory more than a dream. and sometimes i think ive actually been there. sometimes i think of myself in such vivid deatail doing stuff i know i never did. but.. if ive done it in a past life id understand. heaven. it seems more like a fantasy idea created by man himself. like a real good story that some people just couldnt let go. to me. i think heaven is what you want it to be. i wish i knew where i was going when i die. i mean i wish i knew where i came from too. i think thats why i feel so empty and homesick sometimes. i think i miss the place you are before your conceived. i miss innocense and all that jazz. getting out into the dirt. getting sweaty and hot and just living in my imagination for an hour or two and then coming back to reality.. whatever you want to call reality.. and realizing that im three miles from home and have to walk all the way back. i dont know what im really talking about. im a little depressed. i mean if i just had a general idea. i think im a little excited about death. that its a new adventure. but its scary though. that every day im getting closer and closer to it. i hate when mom turns on the TV. it tunes out my thoughts. and right now thats all i want. is my thoughts. anyways. i think about it. and lately ive been feeling like i just want to go out and fuck some random guy. i guess its just for a longing to be with someone.. another human being. to just feel complete again. if even for ten minutes. but i know i wont. i definetly wont. cuz id hurt too many people. it would be another regret. so. its not even really a sense of being aroused that much. just that i want that deep physical contact. so many people would be willing with me i know that. i just ... dunno. have more respect for the people i love and myself not to. im not gonna lie though. i miss people i want to get into design cd covers, tshirts, whatever. design. ok so its four in the morning. (ive been writing this entry off and on for the past 8 hours.) we watched cast away tonight. dave, joe, and this kid who dropped out of school for becoming a priest were all drunk tonight. yay for josh werlyboo for not being drunk. anyways. the part where wilson floats away forever... i cry every time. i dont know why its so touching. but, honestly, i think im in love with wilson. and as kyle put it... i think he should have won the award for best supporting actor. he would have gave an awe inspiring speech i bet. anyways. i gtg make some more cd covers for a certian someone's cds.