yeah so last night, zach called and like i just told him everything. i sat there and like dry cried, cuz i couldnt ne more and he just kept saying it was ok. he was really worried about me and shit. he kept telling me that cresten really didnt want me, that "taking a break" was a nice way to say i dont care for you ne more. i was sick. well that got situated obviously. but yeah so i guess zach skipped school today and called at 10:25 and woke me up. and i told him what happened last night. and he sounded kinda dissappointed. i know he wants me to be his girlfriend. bad. like i dunno. but were friends. and right now. all i care about is cresten. and i told him that. but yeah zach seemed to understand. espically when i said that cresten is the only guy that ive laid down and cried for for 5 hours straight. the only guy that ive ever been so lonely without. i felt like i had lost my best friend, and my boyfriend, all at once. and i did. i couldnt let that go. i just hope that it wasnt more like me forcing him back to me. i dont know. he said it felt like we were more friends. i dont. well sometimes i do, but taht goes away when i get to hang out with him again. i usually only feel that way when he doesnt have time for me. its just.... hell never be "just a friend" to me. he never was. he was always, ever since i first met him, like my major crush. i always wanted him. as more than a friend. ill never see him different. and i want to always be there to support him. and i want to go through hard times WITH him. .... i wish i was at grandma koester's today. i want to just mope around that big old house. i think i might go over to tristans today. just to hang. maybe play zelda. allison was pretty upset that i didnt call her to tell her what was going on. ....wtf is patrick doing home right now? ..... random.. ne ways yeah. it was like i didnt want to drag allison into it cuz ive been bitching about stuff to her all week, and i didnt want her to just get pissed and stuff. really what i needed then... sad as it sounds.. was the ones that have always been there... Ryan, Jared... i wish Lempy... Ricky, Ryan A and Crista. i needed them. not others. well im back on track.. i think. cresten and i wil have to hang out. and im going to make all of it up to HIM. he doesnt have to make ne thing up to me. but yeah somehow someway... im gonna make it up. yeah i think i might actually stay home tho. unless zach can get me a ride out to his place or somethin. just sit there and listen to the band play. thatd be cool. but i want some "me" time. if it gets warm later... i think i WILL go out and ride and hike and take some pics. or draw or play zelda. i dont know. im just a stupid highschool girl stuck in my childish ways.