ha. you know that whole thing about running through life... well.. i think i just fell. all this peice of shit has done lately is cause me heartache. so heres the deal. im sick of pleasing people with my words. ive got a good twenty min. to lay this decently on the table. if i dont fall asleep first. here it is. cresten. i miss him. i love him. i do care about him. but shit. i dont know if i want him back.. right now. he still goes out. he still drinks. im afraid that if things get stable between us again... hes gonna just keep doing the same shit. and serriously.. hes the only person i can see me living my life out with. but cuz.. i know him so well.. he knows me. inside and out.. and can usually see through my fake happy face. thats always on.. on the other hand. kyle. kyle can also see through my fake happy face. and has only my benefit in mind. i admire a person that can see through my disguise. i put it up because it gives me freedom to choos what select few people i want to be my closest friends. the ones who know me. and somehow know how i work. thats why i let my gaurd down with kyle tonight. i really.. really. want to sit down and just talk about everything one day... with him. i want to know all about his past. and i want him to know all about mine. then maybe we'd both understand together and could avoid a fiasco such as tonight. im attracted to him. more than attracted. i think im falling... more and more.. little by little... ah. fuck. brutally honest boys, i feel like i should say "i love you" after every time i get off the phone with him. i went over to Zach's tonight. hes changed. for the best. the pills.. gone. yes. his girl.. i admire for being able to get him striaght. and well it wasnt her.. it was his love for her that did it. he preached at me. i was just gonna let kyle go. just try to get over it.. just like i did with paul. and the more i thought about it. the more i got sick of just letting go. i want something now. i think and ... i wasnt gonna let it slip away. shit. im starting to see the colors... like.. i see colors before i fall asleep usually.. and im starting to see them. i am going to bed. ill finish this when i wake up.