well ok. before anyone else says ne thing. i know. i need to get my shit together. ill start off by telling about prom and josh's. it was all quite fun. we all went to prom. i saw maria there, but you know what? i didnt feel like a bitch. so put aside differences and let things go. but yeah we took pics.. danced stupidly for a lil while, and then left. over at josh's craig showed up and Dan. and that was cool. craig had a bottle of brew and.. well i drank the whole thing. and took one shot. but that was it. i felt kinda bad for it, but look its probably the last time... for a while.. but yeah fun fun.. played piano. talked to baker.. tristan.. josh.. dan.. the whole lot. cresten and i fell asleep on the couch but he kept pushin me off so bleh. ne ways. so that was that. i didnt get home until 5 am. so bleah. but yeah this morning it was nice after church.. which was a pain simply because i was tired and hung over...but yeah it was like 80 outside so i called up kelly and she said itd be cool if i came over there to hang out with cresten and her and help around the house. so i go. and crestens there. and i help. and blah. and then im tired. so cresten and i go lay down in his bedroom. (his mom knows.. bleh shes cool with it) but yeah jared came over or whatever and knocked on the door and cresten was like im gonna go hang out with jared for a while and shit. and i fell asleep. and then like i guess and hour later kelly walks in, wakes me up, and says that i should come outside cuz we all need to have a talk. and im like wtf? well apparently cresten and jared went outside behind the shed to smoke a joint. ill let that sink in. while im there. his mom is home. and his little brother. stupid. but yeah so kelly sees em and gets all mad and shit. fuck. so yeah im already kinda irritated cuz she had to wake me up to come outside to hear this shit. yeah i was pissed off. but then. you know what theres no point. i still am pissed. that sometimes cresten is that stupid. but we all talked. and i started crying almost. and well he said. i cant do this ne more. im sick of hurting the people i love the most. and stuff. *sigh* *takes a break* i dunno really. what to do. im so sick of his goddamned empty promises. but i know its in there. hes got to quit. maybe hes a hopeless cause and maybe im just as hopeless. me and my stupid drinking.. and caring. for all those people. i care so much i care. gaah. i let everyone else's problems dictate me. im so beaten out and worn down now. im sick of having to deal with everything. and I KNOW ONCE ALL OF my fucking friends read this you guys are all gonna give me a fucking talk and tell me that i should ditch cresten. well the storys not over. ** so yeah. kelly (his mom) got up and left and i just sat there. i basically had just poured my life story in ultra condensed form out to him and her. i think there was some stuff cresten never knew before about it. but yeah. i just sat there and started to cry. and he came over and huged me and shit and was all like im so fucking sorry im such an idiot. (damn straight you are, but i really do love you anyways.. you fucker) but then he was like. come on were going to church. im gonna set up counciling with pastor brett. so we went to church tonight. and we had a long talk. and really. it was enlightening. not only for him but for me. i need to get my life toghether too. i mean so much is so fucked up. really. all i want is to be happy. we took a step towards that on the way home from counciling. cresten took out all his pipes and shit that he had hidden in his truck.. and threw it out on the road and ran over it. ive had it......... so... much.. crap.. im so tired of dealing. cresten ill support you, ill be there. but only if youre serrious about quitting this time. im going if not. really. i wont be gone forever. ill be out of ur life tho. ill stay in your moms. and in ryans and jareds. but if youre there. you wont be to me. i wont talk to you ever again. cresten really. im so sick of being beaten by stupid shit. zach and the pills. paul and his problems. dad and the alcohol. steve and the cancer. mom and depression. all of us. the group. all of us and our problems. craig and drinking and his mom. and josh and his pot and his family. and all of us all of our fucked upness. cresten. you make me happy. ur about the only thing that genuinely makes me happy anymore. i dont know why. but i know theres a reason why im here. or my mom wouldnt have survived that wreck or married my dad at all. theres a reason why youre here or you wouldnt have survived that shit you did. theres a reason why were together. do you notice how ironically similar you and i are to cathy and pastor brett?? isnt that.. kinda .... weird? i mean. maybe. i mean.. just think about it. theres something there. i know it and i can feel it. well with myself anyways. i know it. i have this fire. a burining. and i dont know what its for but its for something. and cresten you might not have it too.. but i bet you will. i was so ... just like you are now for a while. and now. i just think. its all gonna get better. man ive gotta stop livin in my past. ive got to carry that weight with me. but ive got to sop getting it out everyday and looking at it and asking why. why? because. thats why. shit just happens. for all sorts of reasons. do you think its meer coincidence that i just keep coming back to that fucking trailer park? do you think it isnt a little weird that you keep poping up back in bretts life? i mean really! somethings going on here and i think were just begining to find out about it! and stuff. im so confused. and the more i try running the more god tripps me up lately. but im not running. really im searching as hard as i can for him. i mean. really im looking for god. i dont know anymore. i just know that im sick of other people telling me that i need to get my stuff together. i know i do. and dont tell me not to drink. cuz im not going to ne more. and dont tell me to ditch cresten cuz you know sure as there is grass on the ground that i wont. and that i need to lose zach and kevin and all that shit. im not cuz i dont just give up on people. there is something so much more to those kids that most never take the time to notice. and i wish some of you would you ignorants on your high horses. the time is comming. its comming. wake up. please. take a look around you. there is so much more to the world than war.. sex.. rap... clothes! oh its beautiful if you just look and yet so depressing that you wont! dear. i dont know where im going with this. probably to bed. i just needed to get this out. im so.. sick of crying. sick of it sick of being sick. good god man! cresten? arent you sick of it? of smelling like pot? of smoking it only to be depressed about doing it and hiding it from me that you just do it again? i mean really! id get sick of it. i know youre sick of it. thats why im supporting you. and loving you. cuz thats what you need. i think. thats what i need. is someone to care about. someone to hold and have hug me when i cry. and lord do i cry. all the time. it never stops. but. it does when im with you. and im getting tired and so i guess im done. just remember one thing, babe. i speak to you more with the songs than i do to you. if you listen. youll hear my point in the words that another person sings. ahh its a damn wonder how modest mouse can seem to come up with a serenade for every one of my feelings. anyways, the moral is. cresten and i are both planning to get our lives together. he with his pot. i with whatever the hell my problem is. i just know i have one. i guess i could start on eliminating my cussing. that would be a start. dear, i love you.