"I want to die in the arms of a child, in a meadow, where the thistles grow wild." - STARS well. im home. im not calling anyone just yet. what to do tonight. im not sure. get drunk? sounds good.. but hangover? im so lonely. depressed. this is why i cling and attach to anyone or anything who will show the slightest interest or affection towards me. its gotten me trouble in the past. fro once told me that guys like sad girls. that kyle liked me cuz i was sad and he wanted to make me happy. im so sad. and nothing can make me happy. i want to leave. its just this urge. longing. ive had my training. im ready to leave. do it on my own. make what i want of it. of course im talking about life here. i look back on all my old entries and im so young. this was only 11 months ago that i started this diary. sometime in january last year. i was so happy. just to BE with cresten. i loved him so much. he was my first. i dont express love so easily. just because of my fear of attachment. but. i get attached so easily. im so scared to lose kyle. ive lost cresten ive been trying to get a hold of him i just want to talk to him i dont care what kyle thinks. you dont just have a two and a half year relationship and then pretend like you dont know the person. cresten still knows me better than anyone on this planet. he knows how i work the inside and the out. he knows every little detail of my past. and each and every little hope for my future. hes like a security in my life. i bitch so much about him. i miss him dearly. not. our relationship.. well i do. but thats not what i mean. i miss talking to him. confiding in him. and knowing no one else will ever know what is said. hell he even knows things about me that ILL never know. i sit around my room and look at the penguin he gave me 2 years ago for christmas. how much we liked each other then. i went to snowball with shawn then. and how i had hoped it would be cresten. i dont know. im so depressed. i feel like ill never break this bondage. i want so bad to go. i want so bad to feel happy on the inside again. i want to get rid of this hole. i miss kyle so much. i dont want to lose him. i dont think ill be able to be with him. im so scared. i hate christmas. it reminds me of my brother. my dads birthday is in a couple of days. i bought him a t shirt last year. it sat on our kitchen table till spring. mom never sent it for me. "oh ill get around to it" her evenutall getting around to it was throwing it away. dont get pissed at me for talking about cresten, Kyle. if you read this. im just fucking upset right now.