i feel so blatantly dead. i dont know what im doing anymore. so many suggestions coming from so many people. all at once. where should i turn i dont know. i want to follow my heart... but is it whats right? i mean here it is. ok first off. i guess ive been avoiding drew. for shame. i know he knows what i do. and i dont want to face that. ive also been avoiding zach sorta. partly because i dont want to assess the fact that he has feelings for me and lets me know it every time i talk to him. i kinda dont want to hear that cresten is treating me like shit... although he is.. sorta... and i dont want to hear that i should just leave him, and i dont want to hear how zach says hell treat me better... if only me and cresten wernt going out. geezus. and see thats part of the reason i like cresten so much. because when i was dating shawn he had the decency not to do that. not to tell me shawn was a total waste of time and that he didnt care. i like to speak in rythm and rhyme. sometimes i wish i was clever enough to do it every time i speak. but i get so worked up. but i also need to talk to zach. cuz i love him. and care. its not the same love he probably feels for me, but i do have a deep caring love for him. and it hurts when he hurts himself main point as to why im in so much agony over cresten. IT HURTS ME FIVE TIMES MORE, WHEN HE HURTS HIMSELF. i also. have gotten this deep depression back. oh everything was going so good too. and it all....always! comes crashing down. i punctuate funny? yes. but always. i cant just get happy. damnit cresten i cant just be fucking happy with you. i am. when im with you. when were together and its nothing more. no alcohol. no pot. nothing. i love it i love who you are then. but JESUS CHRIST boy??! why?! am i that bad of a grilfriend that you need more than me? that you need to turn to pot when you feel like that? am i really so bad that you cant call me and be like babe i feel all depressed again. i need to talk to someone. thats what i do. i call someone. i usually call cresten. or zach. or kevin. but hell. i dunno. jeremey says i should stick by cresten, because he really is a great guy just with a problem that he is trying to work out. tristan... well im not sure if i get how he really feels about the matter. he just tells me to do what i feel is best, that he cant tell me what to do. hes got his own problems anyways. and zach. well zach. wants me to ditch cresten ASAP. he says that obviously cresten must not give too much of a shit, if he knows that ill leave him for it and he still does it. he said that cresten basically is choosing pot over me. he also thinks cresten is an ass for "knowing what hes got and taking it for granted" that he is "squandering something great and loving and potetntally lifelong for something that isnt gonna help when he needs someone to talk to about stuff, something that is only gonna hurt him in the future" i didnt tell anyone else about it. im getting to the point with it that i know my friends are starting to build up a bad rep for him. i mean weve been dating nine months and hes done this to me... how many times? and thats what im scared of. i want him to have college and a fucking great job, and a good rep with my friends and family. a good rep period. the best of intentions. no one cares really. no one understands. not a single one of you. why do i bother writing this down? recording it? all this pain. its all there. it finally gets hidden and put away and nope someone opens the latch and lets it all fly out again. screeching like a damn black banshee in the night. no no! no!!!! im so sick of it all!! all of it. i just want to cry. i want it to be over. i just want to live in peace and be happy!!!!!!! oh god what i wouldnt give to be happy. just simply. happy. i dont know. i just dont know. so much. i need to take a walk. its raining, but i need to take one. the trees listen. the earth listens. the water listens. it knows. it gets in. it surrounds me. everywhere all over. its a part of me. the water. i love the water. i need to literally go jump in a lake. to get away. if i am to die any way... id like it to be in the water. im so........................................ sick of..... .........me. haha but.. lol pat brady said i was better than mike! lol. man thats good. sweet. but that mike was better at writing. but im gettin there. give me a chance. i gotta get started. ive never had a reason to write until now. cuz now i can get it out. playing the piano is such a beautiful talent that i take for granted.