so is it like... every time things begin looking good... I get flushed down the toilet? god. really. im just gonna sit down and cry and cry and cry until my eyes are red and sore from crying and then cry some more because my eyes are red and sore. ne ways. why? cuz well we got the play parts right? well the lead female role went to a freshman. so what do the all mighty senior BITCHES do? they fucking go cuss out mr. schmitt (the band director and one of my favorite and closest teachers) no. you dont do that. the one that started it is Jessica Bruder... and shes gonna get punched in the face. im sorry. im quiet... usually. im tolerant... usually. i have a rep for being different, hot, and not a sleazy whore. but i have this underlying uncontrollable rage. and it comes out when i see shit like that go down. this girl. thinks she is ... grand. is like all mighty ass wipe bitch of time. last year during the play... she kept flicking off drew and making snide remarks about him behind his back. drews one of my best friends. hes nice.. and cool... and well... innocent. and i tolerated it from her. i gave it to her. he was a classmate. but when you move from classmate to teacher with that... oohh god. all i can picture is my fist in contact with her nose... making that cute little nose ring she has bleed like hell. uncontrollable rage. and lately more and more so i notice it coming out. over little things. its not pms anymore. its this painful rage. its been caged up since childhood. ive got to get it out. ive got to let it go. so. cresten is probably goin to go over to Kyle's and get wasted. i hate it when he tells me that hes gonna get drunk without me. *sigh* just from past expeirences... it hurts. but yeah so if he does that... that gives me all the more right to go get wasted at craigs next saturday. and well from the outlook.. thats really all i want. not to drink my sorrows away. just to feel better for a couple of hours. to feel like i dont have ne problems. i wont smoke pot. but i will drink. tristan said he could take me so... thats what im gonna do. if cresten cant go that is. if he can then... great day. but i dont think hell be able to make it. i just want to talk to him. i want to cry. i want him to hold me and tell me its ok and that i shouldnt get so worked up over trying to be robin hood. i want to keep crying in his arms and have him tell me to stop this vigilante hate-quest im on and just chill. i want to just love him. god. thats all i want to do. love him and cry. and let go of all these years of pain. i want to forget it. i want to get rid of the death. the beatings. the drinking. the scars. the voices. the hurt. but its part of me. i feel like im a bisqued pot with the pain the glaze. its fired to me. we, me and it, were now one and the same.