damnit. i feel like such a jerk. i dont know why i was so mad at cresten tonight. i dont really. at all. i was just so pissed off, about nothing really. aggravated. i try so hard not to do that stupid shit to him. i try not to be like most girls and just be bitchy for no reason, but yea PMSing sucks and i just couldnt help it. i was also overwhelmed. i just go to thinking about how on friday at our graduation, ill never see half my friends again. its saddening. i also find it repulsive that cresten had his dad buy his booze for him. it also discusts me that his dad goes along with it. really. i dont think i was too mad until he pulled that shit. i wouldnt have such a problem with it if he was 21 and could get it himself, but it makes him seem like such a fuckin bum-loser to mooch and shit. i have no room to talk, cuz, i am an avid drinker sometimes, but to tell the truth, since Mike's a couple weeks ago i haven't had a desire to drink a single drop. *shrug* i dunno. i guess i was looking foreward to just chillin with him, and even if it was at a party. its just, damn. his whole fucking goal for tonight was to get as fucking wasted as possible. i dont know it just pissed me off. and i wanted to talk or just hang out or apologize or something on the way home, but SUVER came along for the ride, so that was fucked over. granted i LOVE suver. but. tonight. no. gah. i hate it when im pissed at him and he has to be all sweet with grabbing my chin, looking me in the eyes, and saying "veronica koester, I love you." i dunno. i... couldnt tell you why i was so aggravated with him. but its his day today. and if he wants to go to a party without me and get fucking shit-faced, then by god i wont stop him. i just worry about him drinking when im not there. i guess its an after-effect of shawn. its a good thing tristan came and got me after i got back home though. or i would have just layed around and cried about everything and nothing. SOMETIMES I HATE MYSELF, DAMNIT! i hung out with tristan and pat till about 1:30 this morning. its 2 now. im tired a little. we went ghost hunting and walked though the cemetary at st. wendle. its really peaceful. i didnt go near steves grave. thats for another time. ive been having these stupid chest pains. in my left upper chest. it scares me cuz ive had it before, but i always shrug it off.. but.. what if its something serious? i dunno. i cant remember a time when i didnt get it sometimes. usually it happens when i hang around cigarette smoke a lot. and like everyone today was smoking. i think thats what brought it on. i dunno. i know im alergic to the smoke, but i didnt think i was that bad. but hell all cresten, suver,and kelly did today was smoke, i was glad to get home and breathe fresh air. but im not gonna blame it on them. i could just have a problem, or growing pains. whatever. im still kinda pissed at cresten, kinda not, i really feel like a stupid bitch though. i want to apologize to him. but. im not sure......why i was mad in the first place. i guess the alcohol and partying pissed me off. whatever. ive got to let him do that shit though. i mean. he lets me right? hang out with Frey till god knows when in the morning. hell even spend the night there, so... i guess i gotta let him party with the guys. actually, if i was him id be pretty pissed off at me, but.. i know id never do anything to cheat on him. hell the other night at craig's, kyle offered me a hit of his joint, and i was nearly tempted. just cuz. ive never ya know... and then craig came up and was like dude dont even ask her, she hates that shit. of course i do. what was i thinking? wanting to take a hit.. and i talked to craig about it and shit. and he was like hell veronica. you know cresten would find out in a heartbeat. if you did anything like that. he said he was sure that i couldnt even kiss another guy and probably let that get away cuz someone would tell cresten. cuz they all care about our friggen relationship so much. yeah. they all want to see cresten and veronica together for ever. i think that might scare me. the fact that i almost want to see cresten and veronica together for ever. and the more i think about that. the more i kinda feel Brittnay Barlett's point in "break up with him now cuz it will only hurt you so much more later, cuz you know, it probably wont last forever" i almost did want to dump him tonight. but then i sat there and thought about it and cried. i dont want to dump him. i dont. i cant. aaaah. i care about him too much. hes too close.. too special. i do love him. and i dont care. if it does end, it ends. thats that. ill have fair warning, and ill take the hurt when it comes. im strong enough to. "although, when you think that you know me. ill blow you away. so baby, bow down Daisy Duke you dont know me so well i think you know that now. im unbreakable.. theres no need for fragile stickers. youre too young for me, but i can keep a seceret. im in subtle controll of the situation. bow down Daisy Duke." i love that song. GO ROONEY! yeah. well hopefully i dunno hopefully cresten reads this and gets kinda the point at why i was upset, or really the pointlessness of it. and babe, i love you. im sorry. im such a shitty girlfriend.