yeah. i just finished the book. Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down. its a great book. its an opener. its morbid, its intellegent, its.. everything a good book should be. it was so gruesome though. i could only take it in small doses. sometimes while reading a part id be so depressed... so.. i dont know.. i just had to set it down. but yeah. you should read it if you get the chance. i dont know. i wish... i dont know what i wish. oh i know. i wish i could keep my mouth shut... say all the right things. think before i speak. that would be nice.. i wish i knew what people were thinking all the time. well for the most part i do. i can look at people. look beyond. i feel their pain sometimes.. and their hapiness too. but michael frey. i swear. hes got mood swings like a woman. i dont know what hes thinking! ever! i mean sometimes i do... but sometimes.. i dont know. sometimes hell act all depressed and kind of ignore me, like yesterday, but like today, he was all happy and talkative and stuff. i dont know whats up with him!! and i know its not cuz he likes me or anything. like i said before. hes too good for me. i know that. i feel so retarted next to him sometimes. or being compared to his girlfriend, Laura. shes so pretty. (*well i guess i am too, cuz Lauren and Jenn like to come up to me all the time and tell me im the prettiest girl in school, but if i am, then why am i such a goddamned depressed loser punk?) but still. the point is.. i feel like sometimes, like when he talks about laura, i feel like a dribbling retard with snot running down my nose and a crosseyed stare. really i wish i dunno. i like him as a friend. close friend. but sometimes. dan is easy to figure out. he likes cookies, porn, cigarettes, pot and he thinks im the coolest Koester at our school. thats easy. i dunno. cresten is a lot like michael sometimes. but now ive gotten to the point where i always know what hes thinking. usually. anyways. i feel summer coming on so strong. even the teachers have too. its only a matter of time. ill probably be out all night every night downtown on the walkway. by the river. were i can just sit and be peaceful and reflect like our dirty polluted water. wouldnt it be so great if there was still a place to go? that wasnt tainted by waste or humans, ax or machines... or anything in fact. i think thats what depresses me most. is that i know there is no escape from it all. no true wilderness. thats a word of the past. that there is no unexplored area. oh lord! if they sent a colony to settle on the moon id be the first to go in a heartbeat. thats how bad it is. i cant stand to see all this green grass, trees, animals, water... beauty shoved off to the side and fogotten about as humans get more greedy and stupid and money hungry and selfish. well adieu for now. cresten is calling.