ok fuck fuck fuck. ya know what pisses me off? what makes me wanna shake you from the ground up...? what makes me want to slap you and leave you cold to cry? ITS WHEN YOU EFFING LIE TO ME. i mean. jesus. we even talked about it. and YET you still have it in you to lie to me about it. no youll only admit to what i already know. which i wouldnt have known about if i hadnt shown up randomly. SHIT! and things were going so well! i really thought you had given it up! ahhhahahahha.. crap on my ass for that. oh yeah.. once two weeks ago and not for a month before that.... BULLSHIT MY ASS. when will you stop!!?? when will you just out and out tell me?? you know what its like?? its like if i were to go over to JD's house... some guy you dont know.. and get really drunk. and wasted. out of my mind. TO NUMB MYSELF. how would you feel if i just went out and did that? pretty shitty right? well. hey heres the plan. since i cant beat you ill join you. ill just blow what little money i have on it. ill just go over to random people's houses and smoke too. cuz ya know. ive got shit to deal with too. and it SUCKS ASS. so guess what. ill start numbing myself too. so that way we can just be two numb, unfeeling, uncaring, unmoving, unhurting, blobs of what used to be fiery inlove human flesh. but fuck this. I AM COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FED UP WITH BEING LIED TO! holy fucking shit! i hate you most when you do that. i do. for a split second i hate you. cuz you lied to me you did what i asked you not to do. ever. is lie to me. its why i left shawn. its why i wanted you. cuz i thought you wouldnt lie to me. but you do. and you keep doing it too. how am i supposed to believe you about stuff huh? im sick of being paranoid about you when you go to your fucking "band practice" or "going out with Alex and some guys" or whatever the fuck youre doing during that time. cuz i dont even know anymore. i cant believe you about it. so really youve only been sober for two weeks. you just figured how to hide it better from me. fuck that. if this keeps up I WILL have to break up with you. i know you love me. and i love you. so much in fact. it hurts. and it HURTS SO GODDAMNED BAD when you cant be truthful with me. i am with you. all the fucking time. im your goddamned girlfriend. i gave you all of me. everything. every last bit. my heart my soul and my body. i tell you the truth about shit. you know things about me no one else in the world will ever know! you say im your best goddamned friend.. and that you love me so much. then HOW COME YOU CANT TALK TO ME... huh??!! what the fuck is your problem!? just say it to me! just say 'hey, veronica. please dont be pissed.... i smoked today.. im sorry... ' some shit like that! i dont even care. just STOP HIDING IT FROM ME! stop it! god fucking damnnit! youre killing me when you do that. as if i dont have it bad enough. i cant deal with that anymore. yes things are great between us. and im sorry its such a big deal to me. but shit cresten. if you told me you didnt like something i was doing. id stop. for you. cuz i respect you. and i love you. why cant you just do the same for me??! for your mom??! for your brother?? and your friends?? well what bullshit cockwad friends you do have. the only one i trust anymore is Alex. i used to trust Suver. but i dont anymore. maybe i cant even trust alex. and half of them i dont even know. you wont take me to meet them cuz you know theyre all moops. you know most of my friends. you met most of them. if even just once. so you just go over to these random peoples houses and fucking smoke. ok heres the deal. next time. ill go over to JD's and get drunk. drunk off my ass. and see how that goes. i mean .. shit.. god. im so sick of crying. and hurting. will it ever fucking stop!?? no. and this probably sounds ridiculously harsh cuz im so pissed right now. but i dont care. not right now. ill apologize later. i just want you to read this. think about it. take it in. damnit. cant i just be fucking happy? in something?? with my mom? in my relationship with you?? WITH MY WHOLE PIECE OF SHIT LIFE??! just for a coulple of days? IM SO FUCKING MISRABLE!! ya know. josh was talking to me last night. he said that it used to piss him off how youd talk about me at school all the time. how he was one of those who wanted you to stay with me when you broke up with me. how he can see how much i love you and care about you and vise versa. and you dont know how touching it was really. i mean i was happy to hear that. god happy. for. like . five seconds. thats it.