OK! FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKERS WHO ARE TELLING ME HOW TO LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE. FUCK. YOU. honestly! im fucking going to make my own decisions and wether your opinions come into play is not the matter. i tried to talk to kyle last night. i did. things seemed to end well. i mean like the discussion. it seemed like it would be ok.. and then i got home and he called. said maybe we should just wait and think about things until today. oh my god i think i fucked things up!!!!!! ahhh. holy shit. im crying so hard. typing though tears. see.. he sent me a text today saying "call me when you get home from band, we need to talk tonite, its important" i asked "is it bad?" "i think so" "why?" "it just is." .... damnit all of you. telling me these are just stupid high school loves. shut the fucking hell up. please. ok. the thing is I FUCKING WANT TO CARE! oK?! i fucking want to have someone. i dont want to have time for myself. cuz when i do.. im a little self destructive. OK!? fuck! its just hard. when youve found someone you know youd die for. two people you know youd die for is completely different. ok?! i dont know anyone thats ever been in my situation. i dont know anyone who has. you fuckers have no right to judge or say what to do since you havent been there before. i want something now. bad. and i think i fucked it up. oh god. oh god. i hate myself. i just want to fucking die. i walked through the cemetary after school earlier. i dont know why. i was drawn to it. i gonna take a left. instead i took a right. i dont know why. i pulled up to this cemetary on a hill overlooking the countryside. everything there is from the 1800s. i dont know why i felt so much at home there. i felt content. and deep deep sadness. the place was beautiful. it looked like it was about to rain. the sky all dark. ........ i dont want to hurt anyone. i know i will. i know its gonna be me. mabye thats what im afraid of. is getting a little more hurt. ... beautiful graves. beautiful. i.. i dunno. oh god. im scared to death. i just want to die. i think i made a choice. im not sure. damnit. damnit. damnit. i hate myself.