i want to stab myself in the heart a thousand times until im sure im dead. a lot. i thought things were going ok. theyre not. not at all. never ok. i hate it when you start living fansifully again and then reality hits you like a 20 pound gold brick that you can never have. now ive got this GAPING hole again. im crying again. all hysterical like. trying to type through tears again. all quick like. and get this out before 5 in the morning... when mom wakes up. and i didnt think about it. how a kiss to someone else from him ... can be a blow to the gut to me. two different girls now. two that wernt me. and. damn. ive only got one up on him. is this a game? i dont think so. im sure its not a competition. theres only two people im torn over. i could care less about the rest of those guys. you dont understand. IM GOING INSANE ALREADY. and..this??! and i cant do anything about it since were not together. you said. "im not cute. i dont understand how you think im so hot" then how come EVERY girl wants you?! you dont know. the shit you go through about me? i go through about you. the looks. the stares. directed at you too. not just me. but. i guess you really couldnt understand how i feel right now. but shit. i sure do know how you felt. when i talk about kyle. its a gut wrenching blow. i might lose you forever. ever. ever ever... (((echo))) thats scary. im sick of insecurity. im sick of pain and hurt and tears and... damnit i really just want to die. i really want to go wreck my new car and effing die. it would be extravagant too. off an overpass onto the interstate. that way im insured not to survive. i really want to feel the blood flow down my forehead and watch as the world goes dark to me. cuz it is. already. i havent been happy in a while. well. except for with you. and ... with kyle. and yes. ive kissed him. and every god damned time i have ive thought about you. and felt so bad about it that i wanted to cry. i still feel like im betraying you. i know. love is love. despite drugs. but cresten. your drug problem is going to hinder ME. in the future. it takes teamwork. im sick of being your babysitter. i just wanted you to grow up. to show me you can handle yourself for most things. to stop running from your past and problems. but. if its too hard for you to do that for me. then go on. take your new girl. call her up. talk to her about your problems. the problems you used to talk to me about. i tried to have fun with kyle tonight. the kind of fun we have. and its not the same. cresten i miss you. like fucking hell. and i miss our fun. the stupid laid back chilish run around and roll in the dirt fun. damnit. youre my mother fucking dream.