i like to throw in art. anna said today that im getting way better. that ive only been doing this a couple of weeks and im probably already good as her. its good though. im good at making things symetrical. so its easy. all art comes naturally. i adore rodenberg for opening me up though. i see things different. used to, id just see a peice of wood. now, i see the grains, raised parts, dark, light, shadowing, color tones, everything. its not just wood.. its everything. im happy about that. the downside is, that i dont look at people the same. i see everything about them. for example.. my friend ricky. i dont just see ricky and know a few traits anymore. i see a human being. thats good at piano, great at bass. but hates his life, for the most part. because his parentals. so he takes drugs. the hard stuff. he was on morphine the other day at church. he told me about doing meth the other day. its hard to handle to see someone you love do that. and yes. i do fling that word out a lot. ok. yeah. but i mean it different for different people. such as with Pat, Dan, Mike, Keegan, Fro.. those are my friends, closest and true. and i love them. but its a different love. but to me. love.. id do anything for. and for them. id do anything. almost. and yet with Kyle... still Cresten.. its deeper. i mean. i dunno. its like when i look in kyle's eyes... i notice things. and im happy.. its weird. and so i think i upset him last night. and that upset me. i dont like that. this whole being able to get upset so easily. but i can understand. its hard. you know. i know ... i really do understand. im sorry. i shouldnt write in here anymore. i mean. all it does.. is just make things worse. people dont consult me for my feelings, but rather look at this thing and take it as ALL my views and beliefs. its not ALL. its some major ones. cuz well. i get bored, tired of writing easily. so i only point out large stuff. anyways. i dont know whats going on. i dont want him upset with me again. i hate that. i mean... lately ive been walking on eggshell emotions. the littlest things could set me off, a smell.. a picture.. a sound... a name. but the real me has more self controll. i dont get upset easily.. never really had. i mean if someone wants to talk to me about something. i realize i should hear them out, analyize before i say anything. and never raise my voice. nothing gets solved with yelling. i wanna go out and do things though. bah. i was talking to dan today. i think ill be chilling with him a lot more pretty soon. hes got a bunch of art stuff that im wanting to get my hands on and borrow. so.. hopefully ill be out there a lot more. i just dont know. its like.. all the sudden... i care about art. a lot. i mean i always have, but lately. im all about it. i just want to create.. its my way of not destroying myself. i want to stabilize. myself. my feelings. my relationships. i dont like being out on the edge all the time. granted i like being on the edge. just not in certian things. style. its on the edge. but... family, friends... i dont want that. ive got someone on my mind right now. and its not anyone youre thinking im thinking about. not kyle. not cresten. ... my friend, Gabe. hes so cool. hes 25 right. but that doesnt really matter to me. hes new in town. he listens. been helping me out a lot. i feel better. its kinda like.. uhh the brother i never had.. but thats not really a brother. he said the same about me. its odd. no one knows him besides me. that makes it cool him and Mike H. no one knows either of them. thats why they both know me so well. i dont think ive ever said much, or anything about Gabe. but hes new to my circle. well a month new. but already. he knows so much. but its like when i talk to dave. its being able to get the opinion of someone older than me thats cool. see.. im glad when i can talk to dave. i sort of see him in the light as gabe. thats cool. well. anyways. i didnt accomplish anything in this entry really. but who says you have to accomplish something to accomplish something. kyle and cresten talk like that sometimes. its sort of irritating. .. "we didnt accomplish anything by talking tonight.. " yeah.. but we talked. thats the important thing. without talking, nothing would get said. i dont really care so much about getting anything done.. but you dont realize that you do get something done. by talking. you build on a relationship. thats why i like to talk. i could fuck you up with some views i have. i could go pretty damn deep. but i dont. i have rarely with cresten. i dont think i ever have with kyle. i have with Hinman,though. but .. hes like.. my closest friend ive never met. if you can figure that out. anyways. its that kind of talk i want to be able to do with someone. around kyle though, its quiet we listen to music a lot. and thats cool. but sometimes it irritates me, cuz it drowns out my thoughts. i think about the music instead of what i want to. with cresten.. lately i havent been able to be around him long, without him getting depressed. its that instability. i hate that. i just want to have stable emotions for once in my friggen life. this entry is getting pretty long. ive also realized that my fingers have adapted to typing as fast as my thoughts come to me. so thats awesome. i love it. i used to just leave this stuff out, cuz my thoughts would come too quick. but now i just go. zoom. anyways. ive been sitting here typing this out for 14 min. now. once again. no accomplishment. but thats ok with me. ive got to be going. im not sure why. i just feel like i should be. so im gonna connect myself back to reality. and get the hell outa this house. go to the cemetary maybe. chill with the dead. thats always been fun. or play the piano and disconnect myself again. cuz i can do that. see there i go, getting all fucked up again. no but really.. i wanna chill in the fountain again. bad. well. good day. to you, anyways.