.... argh.... like a pirate would say it.. only more angry. nothing. ever. goes. right. ever. for me. i want to be with cresten so bad. right now. gah. we were gonna hang out. i got all dressed up. all that make up and clothes.. for nothing. wasted make up. wasted new clothes... cuz at the last min. his mom is like... no i dont want you going out tongiht. his mom has the right to do that... but gah. i wish something would go right this week... nothing has since monday. im so out of sync with myself.. i tired to call zach... the one person thats always home when i want to hang out.. and for once the guy did something with his life and went somewhere... i was like ... whoa... weird. usually he calls and wants to hang out and have me listen to the band's new songs and shit... but bleh. hes gone. prob. to 1123 or something. i wish i was ther... or at Wired. but noo.... god.... uhh well not god damnit... cuz im trying to cut down my cursing... so gawd! everyone's at wired tonight. sometimes i hate being in a relationship just for the fact that if my bf cant hang out... i dont want to do ne thing else. blarrrrrgh. im kinda hungry. do you ever get this weird feeling? like reality dosent exist? like sometimes when i get into my philosophical mode i start thinking and am like "whoa... im a real person" and it freaks the hell out of me... it sounds funny... but its like... i dunno... i get real mixed up in what the point of life is. lately i havent been feeling real spiritual. like when i used to go to church.. id feel something... like god was really there... but now when i go its like... yeah church again.. whoopie. blah. and i dont know i just dont feel it ne more. its like i need a sign. a reason to believe again. like if god would send a burning flame out of the sky and singe my eyebrows off id probably be like... well... yeah i guess you really are up there... but right now its like... i dunno. i wish there was a definite answer for me. im geting sick of FAITH. i want something real. cresten and I... our love is real. i believe in that. trees are real. i believe in trees. sleep and dreams are real.. and i for sure believe in that because its all i look forward to after a day of the same damn repetition... a dream of adventure and crazy. but god... to me.. right now... isnt real. he dosent talk back when i talk to him... he dosent give me signs. he dosent send me into a transe and make me speak weird languages. im sick of seeking after something that dosent respond. hell i get more out of a fucking rock than god sometimes. i dunno why im typing this. prob. cuz i cant see a psychiratrist. theyre retarded and will only tell me what i already know is wrong with me. either im stupider than i think i am. (i know stupider isnt a word, but it is now) or im too smart for my own damn good. i wish i could be like normal kids and not think about this kind of stuff. id rather just sit back and worry about what clothes im gonna wear and who looks like a slut today or complain about why the teacher gives me a C for sleeping through class. but i cant. im always thinking.. going into detail with random stuff. i could probably write some kickass songs about it if i tried... but since i have no band to sing them with... its fucking pointless. there i go cussing again. or am i? who cares really? why are words so offensive? i mean in essence theyre really just sounds we humans make... was it us ourselves that made fuck such a "bad word" or had god himself ordained it? see thats what i mean. i overanalyize stuff. i get so philosophical sometimes. so ne ways... im gonna enter this.. im just interested if ne one else is like this sometimes... i think thats why im an artist. but if i know myself as well as i think i do... ill probably end up like good ol Vincent. they say that some of the funniest people you know are the ones most writhered in pain. that the humor is only a mask for the truth. ... if that doesnt describe me all too well.... i dont know what does.