"when theres nothing left to burn, you have to set YOURSELF on FIRE" i feel so back burner right now damnit. i hate having a boyfriend whose more popular than me, and able to actually hang out with his friends this sucks ridiculous balls i cant do shit i cant photoshop i cant copy music i cant paint, im suffering from a lack of creativity i dont want to sleep or read or study for the two tests i have tomorrow i dont want to be left alone. paul invited me to come out to Games' tonight and i told him i couldnt cuz i couldnt drive and mom wouldnt let me out past 7 and paul pretty much offered to pick me up later later but i dont want to i just want to sit here he said i need to get out and see my friends cuz im not the same anymore im different now that im with kyle is that what people really think im different...? i guess so... i dont know i WANT to hang out with them just joke around, laugh, have fun i just dont hardly anymore god i feel so alone right now when kyle isnt talking to me, there is NO ONE to talk to he doesnt understand if im not on the phone with him, he can go have a chat with Shawn, mike, dave, fuckin joe, fro.. whoever the fuck. but i cant i cant even call anyone just to have someone to talk to i just sit here and wander in my head im so sick of doing it cuz i think of all the other places id rather be that arent here and all the other things id rather be doing that arent this and all those people im missing out on god i feel so fucking lonely. whhhhyyyyyy do i feel like this?! hes not going to call back for a while "sorry, me and mike got busy playing the game," or something i dont even feel up to listening to music eating food even i dont even want to watch the History Channel i dont want to do anything i dont even want to sleep i always want to eat or sleep i just want to cry thats it i think another part of it is im tired of disappointment i called grandma earlier with the hopes that she would give me my dad's phone number so i could ask him about my computer hes good with that kind of stuff but she said she couldnt why because hes in Oaklahoma in an alcoholic's group home .... again. what did i expect god to work a miracle? its like i learned to get along in life fine without my dad but the one fucking time in my life i ACTUALLY NEED HIM. hes not there ... i feel so lonely again just this big overwhelming wave of saddness and emptiness bleh why cant anything ever go right i was happy in the shower maybe ill go take another one i really want to go swimming right now i just want to die please, god, if youre there, let something just fucking go right for once for me.. please....