yeah. so. im sitting here having another one of those fights with myself. it sucks. i miss him you know. his laugh. his hair.. smile.. that sort of thing. i mean. it happens when i think too much. start thinking about this time last year. how, even though i had such a thing for paul, i really did love cresten. how i could come to school just thinking about him, get my work done, go to the art room just so i wouldnt have to chill with EVERYONE, and then go home and call him. i mean. its like things were easier. hes all i thought about, wanted to think about. i can feel autumn coming on more and more. its cooler and thats great. but it also reminds me that Fall is our season. i started liking him in the fall. and a year later... fell in love with him in the fall. hes been my life for the past two years. and id feel so stupid to just throw that away. he never meant to do what he did... i know that. and he never meant to take me for granted all that time. i did it to him somewhat too. i guess i still am sometimes. hes so sorry. i cried so hard the last time we fought. ... yeah. im used to being kept quiet at school. only talking around to my friends. i love to be out there, but i hate when my relationship life gets out on the scene. everyone seems to want to know about it. probably because they never get to. but anyways. megan.. i dunno. she feels the need to tell everyone about stuff between kyle and i. and thats so irritating. thats why i hid it from her. cuz i hate when the world knows my life. which completely contraditcs me having this fucking diary. cuz everyone reads it. i guess. anyways. it pisses me off a little that i have no privacy. but thats not the point. the point is.. that sometimes i wonder what the fuck im doing. at school, i dont think much about anything other than what i want to make this year in art. no joke. but when i get home. my mind habitually goes to cresten. and then i get upset, because i dont know whats right. i mean. i dunno. i just guess i fear, (mind you this isnt the only reason), that if i go back to him.. you know.. that mike, kyle, dave, theyd all hate me. be so angry with me. they dont know cresten. really they dont. and it kinda upsets me. i talked to mike about it before he left for Purdue. he said to give him cresten's # so that he can call him and they can hang out or something after he gets back. i doubt it will happen. i mean honestly. i dunno. im so confused. i never wanted to throw myself into a situation like this. its just gay. at this moment i should be writing my history paragraph. im not though. i have this on my mind and want to get it out. i look back, and my life just, it sucks. you know. i mean it has its good.. but ive made some REALLY retarded choices. the whole shawn thing for example. i dunno. i just feel depressively nostalgic right now. i guess i just miss that sense of reassurance i had with cresten. you know. like. coming home from school and calling him, knowing hed be able to talk... for sure seeing him every wednesday and sunday... maybe even a friday or saturday. i just really fucking miss it. i miss him. god damnit. why am i doing this to myself? i told you so.. im so self destructive. and its not physical. im so emotionally, mentally.. self destructive. and i think thats scarier..