well theres so much mom kicked me this morning. again. ... these attacks are becoming regular... is that how abuse starts? its ok though. its ok. im ok. no im not. but i have cresten. i love him. with everything. it kills me to know he has to numb himself. i dont. its hard i know. but. hes getting better. i love him. i love his efforts. everything about him. i need him right now. im sick of crying at the drop of a dime... everything hurts anymore. i cant look... god i do love Bergman, Murray and Frey. dear frey. hes such a good friend now. i mean.. last night.. it wasnt my place to say what i did. but really. ive been through what hes going through with laura now. i told him it wasnt my place to say it but he should listen and decide for his own. "michael, dont waste your life on someone who isnt worth it. its only going to hurt you in the end." he said shes niave. that she dosent understand the world. i couldnt say anything to that. oh well. bergman broke the wheelchair.. and mr. schmitt came over and drank with us... haha. thats odd. hes a great drunk. anyways. i didnt drink. i prefer to stay sober now. really. but god. all night. all i thought about was cresten. i mean. shit. he still hurts so bad on the inside. i want to take it away. im strong enough. if i could just take it so hed be happy. id carry that burden for him. so hed never be upset agian. id die for him. it hurts so bad when he hurts. i feel his feelings. i feel everyones feelings now. mikes feelings of anger and betrayal. i could feel it. we all did. i sympathize for him so much. but... he just keeps doing it to himself. enough though. im so hurt. i mean. yes. cuts heal.. and they do leave scars. but its so much worse for an old scar to keep being cut open. this is all figurative of course. i dont really cut. but emotionally i should be wraped in gauze.