I gave Chris a christmas card today, i'm not too sure what to make of his reaction, he kinda seemed glad to get it, in his weird little way. And later in the commonroom it seems to me that he was definatly looking at me & i kinda smiled at him, but i had to look away cos it hurt too strongly, as though looking at him just yanked my heart out literally. A couple of people know that i fancy him, its weird cos Tasha & Tom C know for definate & they're not people i'm particuarly close to & people that others tend to regard as 'big gobs' but for some reason they're the people i've trusted, Charlie kinda knows that i still have feelings for Chris but not properly & Becky doesnt know at all & they're my best mates! I'm all in a daze cos i'm confused kinda, i know i fancy Chris & want to be with him, but also i kinda like Tom R too, not like i like Chris though, i like Tom's flirting, rather like back in January with Chris, i might go out with Tom if he asked me but i'm not making any moves on anyone until i'm definatly over Chris cos its not fair on them & i want to be able to love the person i'm with, especially if its an in school relationship cos i can't handle the hassle otherwise. 'Be who you are, say what you feel, cos those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind' - with that in mind i've spent the last 20 hours composing a text to Chris telling him how i feel, cos i know that even if he does have feelings for me he's not going to say anything til he knows whether i like him, but on the otherhand i dont want to ruin our friendship or scare him away, however, i feel that this is what i need to do i've slept on it & thought about it, even with him around & i think if i don't send it i will regret not telling him, and will just wonder whether it would have made any difference at all. Got to go finish my paper round, eugh, might write more later, i have time to think while delivering papers in the dark & wet.