hmm its been one heck of a day, cant even remember the start...o yeah my sister iced my ham batches!! This afternoon after tutor period Tom came downstairs & sat with me, he ended up behind me, me leaning against him & his arm around me, and stroking my face, we were pretty close. but then he decided to go on about my using him & being a user, light heartedly but i wasnt impressed, so moved away a bit. he noticed that i wasnt happy & suggested we went for a walk, so we did, kinda. wasnt much of a walk, we got out of the area, the other side of the doors, and i asked him if he still believed that i'd used him & he doesnt think he does, and we hugged & we ended up kissing (just little kisses, not full on snogging) but we didnt do it for long each time & talked in between, it was kinda nice. gentle affection, but we did talk about the important stuff like the fact that we're not going to get together before uni, so we'll wait until afterwards & keep in touch. didnt stop us kissing, i was a bit hesitant & said that i wasnt sure that it was right, but i still did so a bit, but he didnt force me. we agreed to keep it a secret. it was like these people that are up to no good, cos whenever we heard a door he jumped away. it would have caused problems yes. i told haze & i think what she said is right, "mayb it was a gd idea....cus its shown u that he probs does care....but cus of uni issues its best to b apart" i'm not sure that i want a relationship, but being close to him is good & after all the mess it was nice, a good way to express feelings with meaning. Afterwards we went back to where stacy & sam were, pretending everything was normal, only he decided to have his hand behind me & was stroking my back at the bottom of my shirt & playing with my knickers & turning me on & i wanted to kiss him, but couldnt & shouldnt. Later online we were talking & i've said its ok for him to go after other girls, not totally sure how i really feel about that, but it wouldnt be fair to stop him. its gonna be hard waiting, but i know thats whats got to happen, we'd only break up before uni so whats the point? it does mess with my head & emotions, i want to be so close to him, and in a way i can be when i'm with him as we're close friends, but in some ways its not...enough, satisfying my need, i dont know, i expect too much & im crap at relationships. i cant talk to anyone but tom & haze about things now, cos of keeping it quiet. another of todays events was an amazing encounter when i got off the bus, showed the amazing & mysterious ways that God works, but i'm too tired to write it now, so may edit this tomorrow.