so im at matts house still.. I talked my brother jeremy into letting me stay at his house tonight and go to school tomorrow with him, so I wouldnt have to deal with Jackson bluff one day.. We've been basically in doors, we were going to go out and ride Smokey "Their Motorized Scooter/motorcycle" but its broken down.. And I rejoined Habbo Hotel For the thousandth time, this time actually making a profit and buying stuff. which makes it seem so much cooler than what it used to be, cause now I can spiffisize my room. and make it to the thing I always wanted it to be. And thats all we've been doing.. all day. me sitting on the computer. Im even here right now. I feel horrible about it..but its not like I can change the past, or we had much more to do.. :(.. anyway.. apparently dominic never got him the message.. and so I sent it to him on myspace.. he was on it, Like two to three times more.. and I even IMed him..telling him to read his Myspace email. but he had to go.. everytime I talk to him, or even think about him, look at his profile, My head feels really thick with thoughts, yet my mind is empty.. I become Light Headed. yet I feel heaviest there. My stomache turns, yet nothing comes out.. and I get really really dizzy.. and really really scared.. afraid he'll reject me.. like I did to him. I read his profile.. It said no one loved him and he was looking for someone who would be that person.. Then I read his comments.. and the kelly girl left him another message: Dominic, I Love you.. Enough Said. I went to her profile.. and he left. .....Hey kelly if a big fat guy comes to your room late at night and stuffs you into a bag DONT freak out....I told Santa that all I wanted for christmas was YOU!... I really really really want to cut my body into torn pieces... the same way my heart feels. I feel like crying.. I feel Like Ceasing to exist.. I feel like blocking myself away from everything.. I feel like holding dominic close.. telling him I love him.. and never letting him go.. not even for kelly.. I want him back.. I really really do.. but I dont want things to be how they used to be.. I want him to leave ME comments saying he wants me for christmas.. I want him to Show ME off All over his profile. ..All I keep doing is saying the same things over and over.. and I want to just scream it.. I want to cry.. I want to be loved. if only he had the ability to read my diary.. then He'd Understand.. Or he would shun me away.. Like when I told him I want to die.. He yelled at me.. and told me to never talk to him ever again, because I knew that his two friends commit suicide when he left.. well.. he never left.. he always remained in the same place.. but it feels like the same feelings.. That he left.. He let me leave.. he didnt even struggle.. he just got sick of me.. like they always do.. ------------------------------- forgot to tell you.. I was arrested. yep.. We were at tallahassee mall.. and I stole somthing, put it on my wrist, and the police officer caught me. we went back to the station thing Inside the mall.. I told them the truth. and they let me go. I have to do twenty hours of community service. contact the people within seven days.. well. six now. And stay away from Tallahassee Mall for a whole year. which will be easy. cause I hated that mall anyway. I always liked Govenors more anyway. Mom knows, I dunno if Jeremy knows, if he does, he's going to rub it in, Everything I tell my mom, I always end it off with a "dont tell jeremy" because I fucking hate him so badly.. Ima laugh.. when I come back to tallahassee mall, December 11th of 2006. and they try to arrest me. and I can laugh at them and say its been a whole year. ..I just dont really care about my future anymore.. I feel dominics avoiding it intentionally.. because kelly's his new obsession..and Im just a cast away. I know its not true.. I hope its not true. because he was afraid that I would Just forget about him and move on and he couldnt.. I dont want him to move on. I want him back. I want to be back with him.. no moving on.. but it seems he's doing a better job then I am.. thats my thoughts though.. He would hate me if he read this and knew what I was thinking.. but thats all it is.. thoughts.. Its not like its the facts. or what it matters what I think. cause Im not spreading it to anyone.. and Im actually thinking of sending him the link here.. so he can understand how I feel. completely empty without him.. and for him to know how life here has been so horrible to know that I cant Hold him close.. and kiss his lips.. and nibble on his ear.. heh.. he loved that.. I knew he did.. he said he hated it.. but he didnt.. I love him. scratch that.. Im IN love with him.. and Im able to prove it.. six entries.. and anti-social is proof.. he's my life.. my love.. my everything.. If there is a god.. why wont he please do me the one favor.. and bring dominic back to me.. -Matti