Dear Friend, I am starting this entry this way to quote my new favorite book, "The Perks of being a Wallflower". Its fantastic, not quite finished with it, but completely close. I wont talk about it now.. however I do have alot to catch up on. I was walking home today.. and I was thinking of everything to write in here. Like how I hate drama and how I wish My life was over.. How I completely feel like I could care less about my death and how Selfish it would be and right now I Really want to die. On my walk home I was thinking about all the things Like how I have so much home work to do and I need to get it done tonight, and tomorrow night. and the weekend will be a three day weekend because of presidents day. On my walk home I was thinking of which president to actually care about on presidents day.. and came to a conclution that I dont have none, I didn't any year before, I wont. Its just a day to sleep in, and dream more. On my walk home I Remembered How a few weeks ago I went into jacksonville and had a blast visiting old friends at Ed White, and visiting my Old therapist and talking about how a new therapist could never take the place of him. and I wish I hugged him, Ive never hugged him but I felt I wish I did. On my walk home I recalled mine and matts fight and how Im severely furious with how I was treated and how he gave up on our friendship so easily. and I came home to read his entry and how he doesnt hate me and hopefully it isnt because he wont have anyone to hang around and he wants a social life. and more of He actually cares about me as a friend then as anything. On my walk home I wanted to return my diary to friends only so Kevin couldnt read because Brandon has come back into my life and left me loads and loads of comments on my myspace, after he told me his computer was shitty, but I wont get on that subject. however the Picture comments were extremely cute and I miss him dearly. On my walk home I thought about how I think alot of people are getting annoyed with me and that hot boy in Dons class hates me. and I feel that alot of people must hate me as well, then I wanted to cry, Knowing that there are probably alot of people who are talking about me, and making fun of me, and How I just wish I was normal. On my walk home I noticed how everyone around me was happy, and sing songy. Outside of Frenchtown I mean, Everyone was so energetic and excited and talkative, and I was alone with my head down. This guy walked close to me in a pack and it looked like he was going to strike me across my face. He didnt, but I flinched anyway. He must of thought I was crazy. On my walk home I remembered how this kid in dons class who is going blind and has a fake lip ring made a grappling hook out of some paperclips and string, and asked if I wanted it, I accepted it and put it on the back of my book back and appriciated it. On my walk home I recalled how I want to avoid some people and some people should avoid me, like some fag hags I know.. and in general they came to the school to see me and I walked in the opposite direction looking for david to give back his scarf and go to Community service, which by the way Im at 17 hours, 3 more to go. On my walk home I recalled how horrible I feel and How my stomache hurts and How I really wished I didnt eat lunch because I was doing so good at not eating anything. I promised myself right after Matt, Lexi, Megan, and I had about fourty dollars worth of food for lunch one day that I wouldnt eat forever cause I weighed myself that night. 142. On my walk home I wished i wasnt alone, I wished I had someone who was there for me physically and I wouldnt have to keep thinking kevin is real when honestly.. Im to the point I think he's the fakest thing Ive ever talked to in my life. On my walk home I thought of how girly I actually looked and wished I didnt, wished I was actually noticeable as a guy. On my walk home passing through frenchtown there were thousands of black guys about and I was scared, Not because they're black cause I get the same scared while walking past a white guy in that town, but the fact that there was alot of them and I could of been killed. Just right at the edge there were about five guys sitting on the siding. and getting within fifteen feet of them I could blankly smell pot. I walk past and heres the conversation one Man: Hey Matti: *lips the words Hey in return* Another Man: Why are you sad? your too pretty to be looking at the ground. Apparently they were too high to notice I was male.. and in fact.. Ugly beyond belief. On My walk home I wished I had a car and I wished I had a life, and I wished I had the ability to multitask with walking and reading so I could finish the book. Its an awesome book, beyond belief about a boy named charlie who is just.. a boy learning things, and its put into diary form and he writes for about a year.. and guess what?.. I dont want the book to end, I am three fourths of the way through and I read the first few words of the Epilogue and it was "Im at the Hospital" and I dont want to think of the depressed, I dont want him to have a horrible life, I want him happy, thats all I want, I want charlie the boy in the story happy, I want to just drop the book down and believe it was a happy story, but actually the part I am at isnt so happy, He is having problems with a girl he is seeing, and the girl he loves. and his life. and he's alone. and I wanna be there for him. I Love this book. Its my new adapted favorite. You should read it and accept it as well. I dont have anything else to write. and Ive actually updated for once. I think I will go through with Making my diary friends only for a while. On My walk home I thought about alot. And you know what?.. No matter how Much I thought I always had a tiny paperclip grappling hook attacking my asscheek. Love Always, Matti