It’s not really the second of November yet, however I didn’t want to add a second part to the same day. I have GED testing this morning, and I’m not too happy about it. I want to go back to bed and lay down, and pretend that nothing in this world matters anymore. I’ve sunk low again, but this time it feels like it can’t leave, I don’t feel bipolar however more of manic depressive, which isn’t much better. I really wish there was something I could do about my problems, something I could just simply take and everything be gone, everything feel much more comfortable. When I talked to Boy, he described the tastes and differences of cigarettes, and how some suck really badly and how some are blended well. Some from Arabia and others grown here in America, and I was really fucking curious to try one. I almost did, I feel ashamed. I’ll do anything to feel better about myself but there’s nothing I can do. He made me happy, if you understand that. Really, I mean boys make me happy. It’s just a matter of my life. I’ve always had this issue that I can’t be fully happy without a boy. Which is completely stupid but it’s how I am and it’s how I’ve dealt with life so far. Both Kid and Boy have been keeping me really happy here in this Intersection of a town. They have no fucking clue either. I hit on them and flirt with them and do everything possible to have them return it so that way I can have my fix for the night. Only to turn out that I’m hurting myself worse then before to know they’re both taken and there’s nothing I can do about the situations. If I wasn’t so fucking afraid of death, I’d be there already. Its not even the fact that I’m scared of death, it’s the fact that I’m afraid of what everyone would do if they found out I died, and I wouldn’t be here to make sure everyone was fine about it. I have very imaginative deaths, one occurring at my old school back in Tallahassee, where every two weeks we have this talent show during lunch. I’d walk up on stage, holding my breath, smiling brightly as I sat down in front of the microphone. I lay my fingertips on the keys of a piano and begin to play and sing to everyone, a very saddening song, and I’d begin to cry. When I finished, I would stand up. I would then explain that I never had the happiest of lives, however mine didn’t make difference, nor was it any more difficult then everyone else’s. I would congratulate everyone for being so strong and to forever and always remain happy. I’d pull a gun from my pocket and lift it to my head, while everyone gasped in horror I’d shoot and collapse to the ground as people all around began to frantically cry and scream and become mixed with so many emotions while I laid there dead. People wondering what was so difficult about my life that I would have to go to something so extreme as to kill myself, not only killing myself, but doing it in front of the whole school. I thought about it so much, however I’d feel horrible for the out come of the school, the school would be a horrible memory to everyone, no one would be able to walk around the campus and feel safe, no one would be able to look at a picture of me yet anything for that matter without remembering the kid who blew off his head in the center of the school. I’d feel so fucking horrible to take someone else’s thoughts and feelings and to cause feelings that I’ve never intended. That’s the only reason why I’m still alive. …I’ll write more after I take my GED. Continued… I don’t think there is anything that could satisfy a day any more then exchanging nude photographs over the internet. I’m lying of course. I really didn’t do anything again today; I took my GED, which was the Science, Social Studies, and the reading portions. I honestly don’t think a test could become any more boring then those were, they were completely easy and just lame to make me take over an hour to complete. Luckily I was able to finish thirty minutes early or more on each test and I just sat outside smoking a pretend cigarette while actually sitting on the phone talking to Kid, since he’s home schooled anyway. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m lacking a boy, but Kid keeps getting more and more appealing to me despite the fact that Boy and I are completely on the same terms of sexual intercourse despite the fact that we don’t speak it to much anyone else and I really don’t want to. Kid just makes me happy to know that he’ll listen even though sometimes it seems like he doesn’t want to, I guess its my overpowering, “you’re stuck talking to me,” when he answers the phone that causes him to stay. But this minute his girlfriend calls, I’m old news and no longer important. Ehh, it happens. He said he’d call back later. There were quite a few kids that didn’t look like they could repeat the alphabet twice never-the-less start and finish a GED test with bearable scores. Tomorrow is the Math and writing portion, and as you can tell, I can write, whether or not it’s moderately correct, that’s why they have spell check. But it only takes a good ten minutes to explain why, “My Dog makes my greatest companion” and all those other stupid little titles they give off to the writing tests even though technically there’s not really any purpose what-so-ever as to persuade someone into using liquid dish soap or something. Ugh I hate Florida, as much as I hate a bad car wreck, I’m incapable of living here all my life, I’m surprised I’ve survived so fucking long in this heat-horror, and the humidity? Kills my fucking hair if you ask me. No I’m serious, if you’ve see a kid about 5’ 5” on a very humid day with Fucked up hair. It’s me, Regardless if they’re black or Mexican, blue or purple, it’s me. And yes I do give you permission to go up to me and take my autograph, you’ll amuse me. Do it, now. Anyway, Mom picked me up around three o’ clock when the tests ended and we headed over to Burger King since I hadn’t had anything to eat for fucking a day and a half, and I was in the mood for something vegetarian, like always. After making a pit stop to Taco bell for her boyfriend, I drove home and sat at the computer or slept lazily in my bed the rest of the day which I’m getting the hang of too well. I’m supposed to go to this thing called PlanetFest which is a huge festival, Concert thing in Jacksonville. My friend, Innocent, is taking me. She’s even paying for it, which I think is completely nice of her, But I actually think she told me she received the ticket free or something and I was the first to come up in her mind to give the ticket to, even though we’ve only technically hung out once at Warped Tour last year, and talked on the phone numerous times. I’m looking forward to it. I’m going to let you go though because I want to get back to messaging people back, and I have to receive those nude photos of that guy in the email. Kid didn’t call me back like he promised.