Got In a Huge arguement with the family. Did I tell you?.. no.. didnt. Well anyway. Zach And I took a bus home from tallahassee, a three hour bus. it was okay... But it wasnt what jerrid Claimed it to be. He acted as if Everyone sang and danced together. "I found Equality on a Greyhound bus to Jacksonville".. yeah yeah.. I just think Jerrid was high... I got a hat, Its Baby Pink, And It has "Naughty" written On it.. You dont think its me?.. Me neither... but thats fine. (song change to MCR- Im not Okay(I promise)) well yeah.. The weekend was pretty cool except the whole Not Part. I miss blake, as you all already know. And I still havent broken Up with Stevie to make this a Non-Friends Diary. again. so Anyone who's Interested may view. But yeah.. My whole body hurts one way or another.. I ate alot when I got home, Wish I didnt, cause right after a friend told me to go To Yahoo and search up the word "Goatse".. I swear, You Really dont want to.. I Felt Queezy for the rest of the night. laid down at Like.. Two In the morning, and the next thing I know. Im sitting there blankly at the tv, and Dale Turns on the Lights and is getting ready for work. confusing How Two Hours Pasted So Quickly.. Really Quickly. Weird.. but I survived, cause Mom and zach Tagged along, and I woke Up at Seven.. Odd.. Oh Great.. Stevie Just IMed me, Guess I'll Knock Out the "we Need to talk"..thing now.. ..yeah.. He's taking this Nicely..(Ooozes with sarcasm). Just adding to the drama. great. somthing I need is for him to trample things into my back, guess I'll keep this as a friends Only for a while. After all, He is sort of the stalkerish type. the house needs to be cleaned..*sighs*.. I did the dishes Yesterday, because I called Jeremy, And told him how rude and bitchy mom was to me because apparently Dale knows all and doesnt even allow time for explanation.. See... This is completely fucked up, Even if I was Doing it, Big Fucking deal. but actually I wasnt. I guess I'll tell the story. Dunno if I have already, but Oh well. I kicked the computer on accident, and the webcam, Keyboard, and mouse fell over. So I picked them back up onto the computer table.. I Usually take Showers At Two, to three in the morning cause I like being alone and Not stressed or pushed... when I got out, I was overheated, so I layed infront of the fan with a towel on. and everything. Apparently Dale comes out to let the cat out, and he Looks at me, and there I Am "Nude?!" With a webcam Pointing at my dick. Which Quite Frankly.. I think is the Most fucked up shit ever. Since Ive never been Interested to Show myself to some Stranger Online. Although Ive done it for friends before On dares (not hard..not Interested in being hard for friends).. and yeah.. So They took my webcam and the digital Camera from me. Already found the Digi, Just threw it on their bed.. Proves they cant hide shit from me. Already know everything.. Dale thinks Im a pervert, but has he looked in the second Drawer of mom's End Table? yep yep, the nastiest Sight you'll ever see.. At least I can laugh at the fact that Mom Likes em small. heh.. My ear Hurts.. Peirced it, The left side, Where your second Hole Should be, yeah..there.. I would have two On my left side, but I fucked up and got The First one Gadged and it got Infected and had to get rid of it. so I have three ear piercings and a Lip ring.. Question? Whats the diffrence between a Labrette Ring and a Lip Ring? I guess I'll search On Google.com. That may help, if porn doesnt strike up because I hate that "moderately Safe Search" On. it Takes away Most choices. Just because of a Nipple... a goddamn Nipple *shakeshead*.. Well.. Stevie hasnt responded in a while..wait.. nevermind. Ugh.. anyway..here's the convo so far. dark_n_depressed: hey matti if u get unbusy let me know *Matti*: why? dark_n_depressed: bc in ur status it say ur packing so i didnt wanna bother ya *Matti*: I am Packing, but I took a break to update Diary. dark_n_depressed: o i see so wanna talk? *Matti*: yeah, sure..but we "need" to talk. dark_n_depressed: okay what do u mean by "need"? *Matti*: Nothings going on, everything you do thats stupid I get completely Pissed at because my tempers Reached a Maximum Low. from the Moving and All that. and Im just basically wanting to put this out before I get too pissed to talk to you again.. that we should just be friends.. because I dont want to Loose you as a friend.. and Having you too close, Just gives More reason to be mad when you do things. dark_n_depressed: omg so ur saying u want to break up??? *Matti*: Its either that, Or us stay together, and Have me become worse and worse to You, till Finally I dont talk ever again, cause thats how it seems to be going with all the stress Ive been having over the Moving, and the family, and The Neighbors. dark_n_depressed: ouch, so u dont wanna stay together till august then? *Matti*: Im not allowed to date anyone in august.. because jeremy's putting down rules when I have to be home, what I can and cant do. I have to keep ALL A's dark_n_depressed: all i am saying is can we please keep a relationship just until u move and then we can break up and remain friends when u move. I really wanted to see u more over the summer and just be able to have great memories spent with u *Matti*: Thats the problem, Parents are basically saying Im not allowed to do anything, they're fucking Me Over, and getting me stressed out, and I take it out on the closest person to me, and I dont want to do that to you.. And thats the main reason I want to break up.. dark_n_depressed: a relationship is about being there for someone when they need another. and if u wanna vent on me thats not a problem. Listen i just wish u wouldnt break up with me yet. U are the best the thing that has happened to me in a Long time. *Matti*: It May not effect you, But It Effects me, Ive been Planning this for, at least four days now, and couldnt say anything because One) didnt want you hurt. And Two) I knew no one could change my mind, I Know I'll Hurt you, I always do to Everyone. See You Even Noticed that I was diffrent "Used to be flirty and happy".. Now Im Not?.. Get it?.. Im Just Getting worse, You Noticed, And You say its fine because you want to Ignore It. Im not changing My mind. I'll still talk and be really close with you, Im just.. Laying away from all relationships for a while. I just add drama. dark_n_depressed: well drama isnt always bad, but i guess idk this may sound weird but can i be still romantic with u. its just things seemed like they were coming together. sylvia coming this weekend and i wanted to ask if we could come see ya or something like that. and then there was the possibility of going to see MCR on Monday. and then there was emeralds bday. i just guess i saw a lot of opportunity for us and just felt as though well idk anymore now *Matti*: Moms not really letting me out of the house anymore.. and Im having to beg for Emeralds b-day, which Emerald already told me Its "her" Time.... ..Im such a good, yet bad Liar. none Of thats true... I think. well all that I remember Is that none is true. I Would really Like to go with Sylvia to MCR, but.. I guess I cant because Im Not really wanting to see Stevie and having him Hit On me, Or Touch me, or any of that.. Neither do I think I have the money, Saving up for Warped Tour with Ashley, then going home with Tom, and Jerrid To Tallahassee.. (Song change- MCR- thank you for the venom).. Actually, the songs changed at least a thousand times, This Is probably the longest time of an entry Ive had.. but dont really care. I miss blake, I dont think he really wants to talk to me because the fact he hasnt tried talking back, Ive left Messages, On Myspace. and then On his phone, but no returns..:(.. I think he doesnt like me.. oh well.. not like it would of worked out.. ugh, great.. now Stevie thinks i used him. Ima change the background..took the time to make it, I want it spiffeh.. I have the sudden Urge to cry.. probably because Im such a horrible person.. Im so tired.. I dont know why I woke up so early.. I guess Im getting Insomnia.. It wouldnt be a surprise, after all. I do have alot of shit going through my mind at once. And my Stomache hurts, but yet Im not hungry, Like usual. Ronnies wanting me to play a game, so i wont get depressed.. It'll Just make things worse.. oh well, He's Only trying. I feel Like dying.. no reason why, Not really wanting to cry, not really wanting to smile or laugh, Just die..Nothing to look forward to, Im leaving the guy Im crushing on, Going to a Two Story Version Of Ed White in A College student Infested Place.. and.. Not really socializing.. and then Ive had the Urge to want to be held so badly for the past three or four days, its not even funny.. Im such a fucked up "hopeless romantic".. The other day I was crying to someone.. saying somthing along the lines of.. "I Just want someone who wouldnt hurt me, Knew exactly how I felt, Understood Me, cared for me.. Missed Me When They Couldnt See me, gave me the Calls at Four in the morning Telling me how much they wished I was there.. and then.. When I was, they could prove every single last one those things true.." ...Guess not.. -Matti