i just read katrina's diary entry. i wanted to leave her a comment but i didnt know what to say. i wish i knew how to make her feel better but i dont. im not very good at that, i usually just make people feel worse. but i do kind of know how she feels. last spring i had to file sexual harrasment on my ex boyfriend because he wouldnt stop trying to get in my pants. every day he would try to do things to me and i dont know why but i was afraid to tell anyone about it. i was scared to tell someone that i needed help. i thought i could handle it myself. for 7 months i put up with that shit. every single day i had to go to school i had to put up with him grabbing my ass or my boobs or trying to stick his hands down my pants. one day i just got so scared that he would come to my house in the night and rape me that i went to the dean's office. i was shaking so bad by the time i got half way down the hall before even gettin there that i could hardly write the report. my friend ashley came with me so that made me feel better. only alittle though. they called us back up in 4th period (i did this in 2nd) and brought us in a room one at a time to tell then our story. they asked me why i didnt come sooner, i was afraid to i dont know why. like everything else i do, i think that i can handle it myself without any help from anyone. i had kept telling myself that it was my fault he was doing it because i wasnt saying no enough, or i wasnt strong enough to get him off of me. and i still think its my fault for being so stupid and lettin him do that to me for so long. i had wished so much during all that time that someone would come and save me from him. but no one did. i know how she feels with alot of things, i do think im ugly, and i dont think im good enough for anyone. which may be why i kept saying no to guys who would ask me out. i was scared of things too. im not even sure why anymore. i have had many thoughts of kiling myself, ive walked out side and stood by our pond and said , if i just walked into it and kept going how long would it take my mother to notice, and who would really miss me. but i didnt, obviously. i have cut myself many many times. i do it for fun sometimes. im just lying in bed and feel like taking the razor from under my pillow and making a few marks, then i wear bracelets or a arm band or soemthing to cover it up the next few days. as if anyone really cared about reading that, i felt like spilling my past problems, my ex is acting up again. this morning and i could puke but i was kind of fucked up from the weed we smoked, but he kissed me. and it makes me so fucking mad that i let it happen. i have no feelings for him, he is practically dead to me and i wish he would die. i wish i could die sometimes, just to make things easier. but instead God keeps me alive for some reason. i dont know why.