Eddie is the one person i know that i could tell anything. i can't even tell my sister anything. i dont remember but i know there are some things that i have never told her. and i think those things i told eddie, tho. i can't tell davy everything, and she is my best friend i can't tell matt anything and he is my best friend too. i cant tell anyone everything except for eddie. but there is one thing that i cannot tell him. that i still love him. it must be kept from everyone. mainly because it will only cause problems. and lessly because there is nothing that can be done about it. im too far away for anything to come of it. we've figured that out already. besides, i have jesse now. well that is if he wud want me. and there's always the distant thought that josh will come back. im sure he already has another girlfriend, and he has moved on from the thought of me. he never loved me neways, i wasnt that special to him. i suppose its for the best. but i dont want it to be. ive been waiting for him this whole time. thats why i wont go out with anyone. i always knew that there cud be a chance that he would come back, but i think ive just realized that i was actually waiting for him to. sad really. especially since there is a part of me that knows he wont. but i have to be a pathetic girl and wish for something that will probly only hurt me more. but even tho that chance is there, that if he came back he wud do what he did last time, i still want it to happen. i guess him hurting me again would make me finally realize that he is no good. but i havent yet. i feel like my life has no meaning now. waiting for an imaginary relief to come and save me. an imaginary hope that some day i wont be so far away. maybe if josh cud just say he doenst want me anymore, say the things that i really already know, but still choose to ignore. i dont know. all i know is i give him one week after break is over. bc that is when he left that last time. one week and then all hope will be lost. hopefully.