well i just wrote this big long entry. but it logged me out so i'll have to start over. first was jesse. he's in my thoughts again. since i never got to say goodbye, and since i started to lose my feelings for him, it was like he just didnt exsist anymore. and even when school ended i thought i'd miss him because he wasnt there. but even then it was like he just disappeared. but then, when daryl mentioned him, it was like he just came back. i keep dreaming about him, thinking about him. i dont know what to do. mostly because i dont know how he feels. i didnt mean for things to end as bad as they did. i thought we'd go easily. but i guess it was better, him having a bit of resent, instead of being depressed about it. we didnt even get to know each other. but i wish i knew him more. he's got secrets. things he hides, i can see it. he seemed to become a different person when we started dating. maybe he felt bad about amanda. i dont know. but now it's like i've realized again how close he really is to me. he didnt move away, he's right there. and it feels like he's always close to me. i was so afraid to get close to him. i was so determined not to get close because of josh. of course. i knew the moment we started dating that it would end when summer started. i knew i wouldnt be able to see him out side of school. that's why josh left me. for someone he could be with. someone that wanted him. i guess it took rikki until summer to take josh back. when no one was watching. josh forbes. what a guy. i gave him everything. and i didnt even know him. i thought, well we've got time for that. but instead it was the same with him. once we started dating he became someone else. and no matter how hard i tried to get close to him, he sort of kept me away. i completely trusted him from the start. look where it got me. completly heart broken. so i learned my lesson. i was so afraid to get close to jesse like that, because i knew things would be ending. that i lost my feelings for him without even realizing it. well, i realized it later. but it wasnt until much later, that i figured out my fear of being hurt took them away... it wasnt becuase i didnt like him. i did. alot. but i wouldnt let myself. daryl, he's been there with me through it all. he wasnt there with me and josh...but he knows what i've told him. and that was pretty much everything. i have told him everything. and anything i've left out i'll tell him in the future. i really love him. he's the greatest thing i have. he's a better friend to me than davy, and even my own sister. i'd trust him with my life. and i know that he got tired of hearing about those guys. but he listened to me when i needed him to. he wouldnt change the subject like other people. he listened to me and he helped me. and i dont know what i would have done without him, honestly i dont know who i would have talked to. i'm sure he's figured out that i'm jealous of kassie. maybe, maybe not. but i am. not because she's a whore (which she is) or because she continously hurts him (which she does) but because he still likes her. of all people. it had to be her. i wish that i could just make her disappear. but there is nothing i can do. i'm the jealous type anyways. i think it's mostly with friends though. but i could tell by the change in his face, that when i sat down in fifth period with him and started to talk about my stuff, he didnt want to hear it everytime. probably most times. but he never said anything. he just listened. and he trusted me and told me things. and i didnt like talking to him about jesse or josh, or even guys. it made me feel bad for some reason. like when he talks about girls to me. it just...hits something and i'm not sure what it is. which is why i cant tell him this stuff. maybe one day. but not now. we've been through all of that before. no need to bring it up again. i just wish that school would start, so i wouldnt have to wait. this waiting and wondering, imagining about what they are thinking. i want to see these people everyday again. so i can know if i need to make some type of decision between the two. part of me feels like josh wouldnt even want me back and that he's been spending all his time with rikki. doing god knows what. and then part of me wants to think he came back for me. which i know isnt true. and jesse, well, i feel like he hates me for what happened. it was me who hurt him. and it makes me feel so bad. i cried everyday that last week of school on the bus because of him. because i knew it would be two months before i saw him again. i knew things would never be the same between us. it was over. and there was nothing i could do. part of me wanted it to just get over with, i feel safer alone sometimes. but, what if he did want me back. what would i do. now that i have a car, my mom will let me date. and go places with boyfriends that she'll know about. she'll be meeting them and i'll have to get close. i dont know if i can handle that. i guess i could try. no harm in that... so i would think. i guess my confession is finished. and will remain to me for a while. i dont even want daryl to read it. it just seems like too much. i dont want him to feel bad becuase he cant see me or make me feel better. not that he could, i just feel like it'd be such a bother to anyone who read this because i've been thinking this way for over a year now. somewhat. i should be over it. but there's so much more, and it's all starting over again in about a month. it seems so close but then everyday seems to make it further away. pretty soon it will be the first day of school and i wont know what to do. just seeing them will, probably bring me to tears that night. all i can do now is wait. just wait.