this is hard to write. i dont even know where to start. i'm afriad to talk about it really. but the only person who really reads this is katrina...oh wait and stevie now, hmm....maybe i shouldnt write about this. i could make it a private entry. but then what help would that do me. i dont want to sound like some kind of mental person or someone who needs to get a life. that's what it feels like sometimes but, well, it happens, right?...right. sure. this is normal. im ok. no im not ok. i lied. first let me start with this, monday sucked ass, i got real depressed this weekend, from what i have no idea, and monday made it worse. it felt like a day i havent had, well, its been a while. that your not my mother thing at the end, i seriously have no clue where that came from. i just clicked enter and that came out. so i didnt mean it to anyone, really. it was just one of those spure of the moment things that happens to me a lot, i usually say something that makes no sense at all, and yesterday was, your not my mother. second, as the day drew on, i felt worse and worse. worthless, lazy, (yes being lazy makes me feel bad, i know most people dont care but being lazy makes me feel useless. i guess it's because my parents are always trying to tell me to work hard all the time and the world has enough lazy people they dont need me to be lazy too) and then well, i was leaving matt a commenton his diary because he siad he wanted to cut, and i got worried because he usually goes all out when he does and ....ok i dont need to talk about his life it's not what this is about but i have to mention the comment, or whatever it was that started this. then i sitting on my floor, looking in the mirror, messing with my awful hair, and i just all of a sudden wanted to cry. i felt so ugly and awful i dont even know where the feelings came from but they came and hard. i just started tearing up, so i made myself stop, went to brush my teeth and saw that my mother already went to bed. so i just went to bed. i sat there for a minute or two, then i brought out my little box and got out my razor blade. i havent used it in a while. the last time i did was during that whole time that jesse had a gf, and i know that sounds really stupid but hey, it depressed me alright. anyways, i cut. 5 times. i've done it before. usually it's just cover it up for a few days and no one will know. it's usually just a little minute of relief or pain or whatever it is that attracts me so much to it, i dont even know and that's even worse. i went a little deep, and it was so easy. that's what scared me. it was so simple to do. just slice, and it was over and i had cuts on my arm and it was like i wasnt even thinking about it when i was doing it. it was scary because i always said i can stop whenever i want, and i could. i could not do it. i hardly ever did it. most of the time i thought it was a stupid thing. only when i got really really deeply depressed i would consider it and sometimes give in, but not a lot. and last night, i did. and it scares me now. i didnt say a word to anyone today. i was going to talk to daryl about it but i was scared to tell anyone becuase, i dont do it to tell people like some do, and i dont want alot of people knowing becuase i dont want to be sent to some cray house, or anyone go telling other people about it. but i know that the two people who are the only ones who know me who read this wont tell anyone and that's why im writing about it. i can trust them. so then i had this emotional breakdown and i started crying, really hard, the hardest i've cried in i dont know how long and i couldnt sleep and i sat up and kept crying for like an hour. then i laid down and went to sleep. it was wierd, i dont know what's wrong with me. usually it's just a few. but if i had some way to hide it from my mom i would cover my entire arm, maybe even both with bright red scratches. it's gettin harder to control. daryl knows, only becuase one day in 5th period this girl saw my arm, and thought she would be nosey and talk to me about it, which annoyed me greatly. but she said she had that problem and she got help and i was like well i can handle it, it's not a problem, and it wasnt then. devin knows too, because one day at lunch we were playing around and he grabbed my arm and it hurts a lot when someone touches it, and he saw. he is one of those who thinks it's very stupid to do that and the people who do are idiots. which made me feel great. im afraid to tell jesse. josh knew. he saw it and told me i shouldnt do it, so i stopped, until he dumped me. i've been getting depressed at the smallest things. that's how it goes, something so small, someone could say something to me and it would be harmless, but i take it badly, i dont even mean to but then the feelings just start coming, they go away after a while, but they always come back. i think i'm developing a problem. but maybe i'm just being silly. i dont know, but if i can't stop myself next time. i'll have to do something about it. i dont know if i should tell jesse. maybe he could help me. the only problem is i dont want him to be my emotional rock, and im sure he wouldnt mind, at first, but after a while, i get so much of this i'm sure he would get tired of it and break up with me. that's just what i need. or maybe he will think i'm some kind of crazy person. i dont know what to do. but im finished here.