I am going to lay it out at some point, I am going to tell him how I feel. I have a lot of moments where I am confident that we can do this, that we love each other enough to get through a year apart. But then there are the times where I wonder if we are just setting ourselves up for more hurt and a nasty break up. I trust John fully and completely. I trust him as much as I can, but at the same time I've never been on the other end of him going out and partying (being wild crazy John.) I trust that he won't cheat on me, and I trust that he could never hurt me like that. What I have never been exposed to, what I've never had to deal with is him going out and partying, let alone on the other side of the world. I want nothing more than to be together, I want nothing more than to wait for him. I feel like we don't have enough time, I feel like we haven't had enough time. He tells me that we have our whole lives together, and that this is just a small part of it. I don't know how I am supposed to say good bye to him. I keep thinking about what it's going to be like the night before he leaves. He has to go early monday morning, his flight is at like 6 am so I would think he would be going home that night. I won't be able to sleep. I can't even imagine how I am going to let him physically walk out that door.

We talked a little more last night about going to Korea. I am so in love with the fact that we stay up until 3 just laying and talking.. I explained to him how I don't think it is fair for him to compare our situation to the other girls he's dated and left when he moved across the world. I told him I don't want to be compared to them because I want this to be different. I want whatever we decide to do when he leave, whether we stay together or we break up or whatever, I want things to magically be okay and for us to be okay with the situation. And I say this knowing that no matter what we decide it is going to hurt. I know I am not going to be happy if we break up, I am not going to be happy if we stay together based on my insecurities, and I'm certainly not going to be happy with going into this thinking that we will break up and magically get back together when he returns. Maybe "happy" isn't the right word, I am not going to be satisfied... or comfortable.. I feel like I am going to have this hole in my heart when he's gone, and I don't know what to do about it. When I talked about him comparing me to his other girlfriends he assured me that he has never and would never compare me anyone. He said he guessed it was different because we spend every day with each other.. but that's not what I meant. I want this to be different for him, like it's different for me. I am by no means saying marriage or anything like that but honestly, i couldn't imagine finding any one like him. He later told me that WE will get through it, one way or another but what does that even mean? We will go our separate ways and be sad for a while and that's it. I don't think I could break up with him and after a year magically be together. I want to.. I would love to because I love him but I think that is a lot to ask for. So what do we do? I just want to be with him, physically and emotionally with him.

I don't know where the time is going. Two months. If 2 months have gone by THIS fast.. what are we going to do? We are halfway through the time we have together essentially.. just under half I guess. So how are we supposed to get through this? My stomach is in knots thinking about it, but I feel like it's too soon to discuss what we're going to do. I feel like I should prepare my self for just breaking up. I think I want to go see him in May, and go away for a few weeks.. maybe so we can travel a bit together? Of course I haven't told him that this is what I want to do, we haven't had a conversation about what exactly we are going to do about our relationship.. just about how it's going to suck when he leaves. There's no question that we love each other. I don't doubt that in him and I certainly don't doubt that in myself, but a year away after 5 months together? I just don't see how we would get through that. I am certainly willing to devote myself to him.. I think. And the bottom line is; I trust him. I trust him to treat me right, to appreciate me, take care of me. However I do not trust the fact that he won't break my heart. A part of me is/was concerned that when he comes back after a year, will we feel the same way about each other? More so will he feel the same way about me? I want to be with him. I do. Both physically and emotionally... but on the other hand if we really do feel the way we say we do about each other, then we should be able to do this. Which poses the question, do we want to? I can't imagine finding another person who makes me feel the way that he makes me feel. I feel secure when I am with him... I feel secure in our relationship. I don't worry about things like not seeing him for a night, I don't particularly like it but it doesn't worry me or upset me. The other day we kind of got in an argument.. I said something that ultimately he saw as me taking a stab at him and essentially belittling him. Which I wasn't, or I should say I wasn't by any means intentionally saying something to hurt his feelings. At any rate the conversation which didn't really seem to get solved resulted in him saying "I guess the happy go lucky part of the relationship is over." Which kind of hurt my feelings... It kind of made me mad in the sense that.. I don't see this as like a "honey moon" period. I don't. The way I feel about him could only grow stronger. The way i treat him and the way I act around him is no different from how I would normally treat someone I care about so... could that be a true statement? When I say we argued it's more of a conversation than anything... So no, I don't think this happy go lucky period existed... let alone ended.

I have discovered this sensation of reciprocation. It's amazing really... wanting to spend every second with him. In his lap.. wrapped around him. But he's just as insecure as I am which has proved to be positive (at least in this case). He had a horrible dream last night and kind of woke me up. He was really shaken up about it.. he asked me if I only wanted him. What I should have asked in response is how could I want anyone else... In all honestly how could I want anyone else at this point? Not now, not with how things are going and how he makes me feel. We've had the conversation a couple times about sex. We both were concerned and wondered whether or not it was just about the sex. It's incredible. The chemistry we have is just out of this world; there truly aren't words. I feel lucky that he is a part of my life. It's strange because I haven't yet begun to pull away... he's leaving and that's that. We will cross that bridge when it comes because why ruin something that makes us both unbelievably happy. And I truly feel that he feels the same way.

It turns out he called.. I knew he would have. but of course my phone didn't ring because it sucks.. I think it was good to not see each other for a night despite the fact that we wanted to.. it was nice to see him tonight.. beyond nice. I don't think I could describe how great it was.. We talk about everything. We were talking tonight about how he is concerned about my past.. and how possible it is for me to just lose interest and drop him.. I would never.. could never. I told him basically what ben was in a nut shell... and verbalizing that and sharing the whole 3 and a half years with someone.. it was nice. it was nice to share it with the same person who turned it all around for me. He has proven.. finalized.. that there are better things and people out there for me. I told him not to worry, asked him not to worry because if anything it will be the other way around. I think he understands how different it is for me to be vulnerable like this and to share my feelings like this. He just makes it easy and necessary. He makes it okay to share these feelings.. and even if we don't make it, no matter where this goes and how long. I know that he has had a huge part in getting me past my past.. he has helped me to grow emotionally so much in such a small amount of time, it's huge. So whether we last until January when he leaves... or don't last at all. Whether he leaves us as friends, or something more.. at least I have that. This attachment isn't the insecure.. low self esteemed me searching for someone to love me. This is me finding someone on my level.. finally. and not running in the other direction. This is someone who meets me half way emotionally and physically. This is a boy who tells me I am beautiful and how lucky he is.. constantly. And not in a way that is annoying or inappropriate. I still have a hard time acknowledging the compliments but it's something that I am working on.. I hate that there is a time limit. I hate that the end of the time limit means across the world.. Tonight he told me that there aren't many girls that impede him to not sleep with other girls.. and that he doesn't have that desire with me. He said that he doesn't put himself in vulnerable situations like this, and all I can think and feel and say is that I'm glad we are on the same level and in the same place with each other.

what do I do with my 3 months? Do I give up before we give it a chance? or do I ride it out with you until you leave... and risk absolute devastation. I told you tonight that I am concerned about january. I am concerned about you leaving me.. already? its been a couple weeks, how could I be worrying about something that is happening months from now? 3 months.. maybe more? What right do I have to be worried about something that far away... Korea is so far away. What am I supposed to do about you? It's hard to let yourself fall head over heels like this... hard to allow this when it is clear how it is going to end.. yet I am so comfortable being with you and trying it out with you.. at least for now. I am not saying I want to spend the resti of my life with you or months or weeks.. but right now... I am beyond happy that we are spending day after day together.. night after night. I'm not saying I am in love.. I am not saying I have grown this dependance over night? But what if I do! What if these silly butterflies and smiles are just a phase? I don't know how significant the difference with us is compared to past experiences but I know I'd like to find out.. I'd like to find out with you.

I have fallen head over heels. I do not "think" this.. I know this. I am experiencing this. It's dangerous yet wonderful. It's not scary or weird or uncomfortable. It's just happening and we are just riding it out. John says things like "you know I really hope that these last couple of weeks have been as much as a positive and uplifting experience for you as it had for me"... obviously that wasn't verbatim but it's sweet things like that. He finds me really sweet and nice and he says I make him feel good about himself.. and he doesn't feel self conscious around me.. what does he have to feel self conscious about? I'm being as open as I can, and surprisingly even in the last week and a half it's become easier. I am less hesitant and not at all concerned about his reactions to me or my feelings. I'm glad that I have the same affect on him as he has on me.. and that he said things like work was boring and he found himself thinking about me and wondering what I was doing. we appreciate each other.. each other's company. we respect each other.. and we just really like one another.. plain and simple I guess.

This is me not sleeping.. clearly. 430? what the fuck? I was happy to be rolling into bed at 2 am last night.. Even more happy with what I was doing. I had no idea it could be THAT enjoyable. Not as if I haven't had great sex before.. but it's a little different when you are both physically and intellectually attracted to the person. It's strange to say that this is some of the best sex, but the connection is just there. we honestly can't keep our hands off each other. I don't know how else to explain it.. it seems so ridiculous and fake and vomit inducing like that couple you can't stand because they are so obsessed with each other.. but it's true. I hope to hell I am not reading this situation wrong, he mentions things once in a while.. how good it is.. how good of a time we have together. And the minute I see him I want to shove him in the backseat of the car or into the bathroom.. but I think we have an understanding; we both appreciate each other and appreciate and understand the situation. Neither of us are using or objectifying. We went for a ride in my new car last night, we talk like normal people. hold conversations.. he had his hand on my leg while we were in the car.. At this point there are no expectations but I am really enjoying this.. and anything that takes my mind off of all the drama that is Ben is a wonderful thing!

I guess I had no idea what it was like to feel so passionately about someone. I say this in a very unattached way, but I guess I never knew what it was like to be so physically attracted to someone. We honestly could not keep our hands of each other. And what I am saying is I definitely don't know what this means for anything. It was a weekend, a weekend of impulse and debauchery and silliness. So what does this mean? What exactly is the protocol for all of this? From what I understand it was pretty incredible for both of us, worth the scrutiny even? NOt only are we incredibly physically attracted to each other, but I have always found him charming and funny. He's very smart person and worldly... I guess if I am going to waste my time with someone it wouldn't hurt to be someone with a brain for once. So this is where I wonder, where do we go from here? Am I allowed to text him and ask him to hang out? I am never one to beat around the bush, so can I say let's go park my new the and mess around in the back seat? There's a lot of pressure coming from work, he was not happy today when I saw him but I have a feeling he won't tell me why or who said what. I guess I have learned not to let opportunities pass you by, and I've learned that it's ok to put yourself out there... which I won't do. I don't want to feel weird about the situation, or hesitant. When we are together everything seems to come naturally and the sex of course was above and beyond what I would have expected. I don't know how embarrassed he was at work today, and I have a feeling he is getting the brunt of the storm. I am having an extremely hard time judging this situation and I certainly don't want to jump the gun on anything. I mean, obviously I am not in love or looking to date him or anything.. but I wouldn't mind this to be the type of situation where you never know what's going to happen...

It's strange. What happened is strange. I kn ow I do this all the time, you know fall in lust... fall in like? and i have figured out... It's really just to get me away from Ben. I am trying to steer my mind away from him which has taken a lot, and god have I made progress... every once in a while I relapse... oh man. Aaron's wedding was treacherous. His being here made the bad memories come flooding back. A couple days before Aaron's wedding, Aaron and I talked. He made me cry and cry.. telling me he loves me and cares for me and that will never change. I know he's making a huge mistake... god do I know. I think I love him in a special way, I'm not sure how or why.. it's one of those things you should have gone for but you never realized it.. not until it was too late. stale. so fast forward to this week: I've decided I am not going to play the games anymore.. I've decided to stop altogether. Monday night-a friend of Kath and a bunch of his friends rent a house on Peaks for a week every summer... so we went there. and there was this boy... his name is Brendan... he's 6'4.. hahah he's old... 27? has an MBA... yes. so we chatted... we were all playing charades and he and I talked on the side.. we clicked, right? so I went out the next night to see him.. and the next night (last night).. we totally hung out. I mean it was obvious that we were interested in each other but it wasn't like over the top... it was relaxed. so last night I had to catch a boat and they were all heading to the legion soon after. Right when I was like alright gotta goooo he went to the bathroom but I really had to run.. so I said bye to everyone and then left. he called me. told me to stop right there. and ran up the hill to say bye. he hugged me and we kissed.. it was ind of bad in a way but it was cute. and just hmmm. I can't stop smiling. today he had to leave, he came up off the 1245... got off the boat. parked. and ran in and gave me a huge hug and said have a good rest of the summer? ohhh man. it was like ahhhh. and I mean, he's old. and I expect nothing of it. but it was nice. so nice to know there is someone legitimate out there that is interested. Real people... I shouldn't let Ben haunt me anymore. it's so refreshing... and whether or not we talk again.. probably not right?.. it was nice. it was PG.. it was reassuring. It was so many things. It makes me think a little more positively. I feel good. It makes me smile. It's weird.. and different. yeahh

I've flirted with, slept next to, and had dinner with a boy... and we haven't slept together. We haven't kissed... we haven't done anything but laugh and snuggle and talk... It's a very strange feeling. He constantly compliments me.. he tells me how fantastic I am... So this is perfect right? I'm building that foundation I've been promising myself? He's so sweet. If anything.. he is. But what I am questioning is how I feel about him, and all of this. I think usually by now I am annoyed by the compliments and the persistency... so what do I do? I would be leading him on if we keep acting like this and I decide I'm not interested, wouldn't I be? What if I like him! Of course this situation isn't without it's flaws... he doesn't have a home. Well... I mean he is sleeping on some friends couch... and he's a musician so I guess that has its positives and negatives. He's very talented though, and he's just absolutely infatuated. smitten, even. He doesn't have a phone. We communicate via fbook messages because he has an inactive iphone, and the messages send directly to my blackberry... It's weird and cute.. he's adorable. I think this whole taking it slow situation is making a huge difference.. I don't know, he is just so sweet. This is horrible, but I am scared of feeling embarrassed. I am not necessarily embarrassed by him or even Mason or Markus but I am scared of being embarrassed so I distance myself... I make sure there is a certain degree of separation and I don't know how to get over it. I need someone with the stronger personality, who doesn't let me push them around.. I need someone to wear the friggan pants and make me get a grip... give me a decision.. someone worth making that decision for!! I like Mason a bunch... I do. And that scares me. I'm scared that he's too young, too fragile, I'm scared of what I will inevitably do to him... ugh. he's such a child in some ways, it's so frustrating... I don't want to break him, that would be terrible. And I certainly don't want to leave him with something he won't be able to get over.

So here's where I am right now: I feel great. I do. I am consciously eating well and I'm running at least 3 times a week. I've walked the boulevard (on top of the running) at least once a week since sometime in March (thank god for the nice weather). It's not that I ever ate unhealthily but in the winter I feel gross and I dont eat good things like fruit and smoothies and salads and stuff... I haven't gotten a message from Nick in 4 or 5 nights which is a wonderful start. I wish we could be friends and I wish he wasn't crazy and dramatic and childish but I can't do anything about any of that... Ben wants to talk tonight.. I'm not sure what about or why but after all this... I feel relieved. I feel free and I feel like I can finally move past this. It was hard to let it go for real, like actually say to him that I am done no more pretending or anything. It's over. And I am going to stick with this I think... I think there is a whole world out there that I never saw when I was with him and I deserve to test the waters and be in a relationship that's healthy and happy. soooo relationships. wow. I am not going to sleep with anyone (else). I am not going to play the insecure little games I've been playing for months.. years? Nooo way. I'm serious when I say that I've grown up a lot in these past months.. I've always been mature sure, more mature than most people my age absolutely, but as soon as Ben moved I kind of went into a tail spin and well we know what happened. sooo there's mason. he's just a baby! I like he's wonderful and while it could never be, he's just so fun! and so young!. And I guess I love that he loves me, how couldn't he? This weekend he had a friend come stay for the night and he brought him over to kath's for a bit.. I ran to the store and when I was gone they were teasing Mason about something and his friend Owen was like, "yeah just like how he doesn't talk about Casey all the time" hahah. Kath said he turned so red and said they better not tell me that he does. Ha it's so cute. I wish he weren't such a baby, its kind of sad. And then there's Markus. hmmm. What we have is fake and weird and confusing. I think he likes me, sure.. We have a lot of tension, and chemistry.. it's kind of overwhelming. I also think he is intimidated by me and has a hard time with the fact that we are in two very different palces. So what do we talk about? What do we do? Should we just stop playing this little game? But Why? So there are those two. we mess around.. we chat once in a while.. it's all fun and games. super. But this behavior has been going on for quite some time... months. 8? hooooly. 8 months of this eratic selfish gross behavior. There is no foundation for a relationship in something that starts as sex and drunken messing around... It's just not healthy or happy or possible. So what do I do? Do I continue with one of them? Mason? Markus? and just play... or do I stop. and grow up... and consider a real relationship with someone? So that's where Burkie comes in. I like him! I mean there are some issues there, sure. He doesn't have a real home, or a real job. well, he kind of has a job sure. So what do I do? I guess it's clear to the world that he really likes me and that's wonderful. I'm not going to sleep with him noooo. Could he be the potential boyfriend? Do I like him enough to wait and see, but how do I go about it? I mean it's clear that I have commitment issues... I can't even commit to a lunch date for christ sake, so what do I do? Be prematurely truthful? Pretend it doesn't matter? I just don't knowww. So I clearly have an issue. I have these insecurities and I make myself feel better by letting these people fall for me and once I have them in my grasp I just let them go. Dismissed. I don't know how to fix this, and I certainly don't know how to stop. It's an addiction, an obsession. And I see that now, and I get how much of a problem it is... and it's not like I'm sleeping around. I've been with markus on and off since december... and Mason just happened a month ago and other than that I have been avoiding all other situations. I think I'm ready to be a real person, I think it'd be a good decision.. a healthy one for sure. But what do I do? I mean it would probably be best if I just stopped playing around wouldn't it? I'm not going to create any new situations like that.. noo more, no way. but what happens if I just stop? I don't know hmmm.

its funny that I ended things, and I'm still crying. It's sad because I have done nothing but mess around for months and I am still upset. Four years... i just closed the door to the last four years of my life and I am in a way devasated. I know I deserve better, and better will come but I love him. I don't want to be with anybody else. so should I hang onto it and ignore the fact that most people can't change?

I sent ben an email the other night, this is it.... I know you feel like I've been going down hill since you've been gone, and in a way I have, but I need you to see it from my point of view. Since I was 16 I've devoted my entire life to you. All my time and energy and strength went in to you and our relationship and looking back on it, it is really hard to look back on what I gave up to be with you. It is not that I regret any of it, I could never ever regret the time I spent with you but what hurts is that it was all a waste and meant nothing to you. My high school years... times I should have been with friends, friendships I gave up and ruined all because of you. That's what kills me. The relationships I should have treasured but didn't because I was so caught up in us. I don't know when or why the insecurities started. I'm not blaming it on you but it certainly had to do with you being with other girls and lying to me... even when we were together, for real, you were still sneaking around.. and not only were you sneaking around you were terrible at hiding it. I had this feeling that you were with me for the sex.. and that was fine in the beginning. And I tried so hard not to fall for you, and then when I did I tried so hard to hide it from you and play it cool. But while I was doing all that it was killing me... you not feeling the same way tore me apart. And so I hung on forever... doing what I had to do to pretend we were happy. And I certainly don't want to believe that you were miserable the whole time... I want to believe that the times when we would laugh hysterically and eat ice cream and tater tots and when you took care of me when I had my wisdom teeth, I want to believe that you were happy too. I want us to, if anything, remember the happy times... like Maryland and when you surprised me in Boston and our little christmas tree. I want to believe that the morning I moved to boston, and you cried with me... that you really were sad and when you said you loved me you really meant it. I feel like when you finally brought me around your mom it was more because you were fucking your life up but because I was going to northeastern and doing things and I was smart, it would make you look good. I dont want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be sad more often that I am happy, but I am constantly thinking about these things! Last february.. when I was living in Boston and I was home for spring break we got in a fight over you smoking with jill and you told me not to come back and left my bag by the door. I asked you how you would feel if I did the shit that you did and you said that you wouldn't care because it was my life. My life? It's the times like that, there are too many to count, that make me sick to my stomach. I miss you every minute of every day. Everything reminds me of you, so many things happen and I think, I need to tell Ben this, or send him a picture of that... but the truth is, I have been checked out for a while. Kath and Alex know nothing about you, I never really talked about you, i mean it really just seemed like you didn't exist. I don't know if thats how I was dealing with the fact of never seeing you or if I just lost faith that we could do this... I don't know. Or maybe it was because I knew you'd never come around, that you would never be interested in meeting my friends. And it's not fair to you for me to feel that way and act like that but for months this winter you just let me ignore your texts, you accepted my excuses, and pretended like everything was ok. you enabled me. If you really cared that much how could you standby and let me push you away? I got to a point this winter that if you weren't going to appreciate me and go out of your way, then I certainly wasn't going to appreciate you. But I never stopped loving you, and somehow I've never stopped being in love with you. I think the way I feel about you is something rare and I feel like there has to be a way for us to to get past all of this and for me to get over all of this but I just don't know how. I mean obsessing over the relationship didn't help, pretending that it didn't exist didn't help.. I just don't know what to do. I mean the only option was to end things, wasn't it? I'm too tired and we are too old for me to beg you to stay with me and for me to try and get you to beg me to change my mind. This past 9 months have been different for me in the sense that when we fight I don't cry, i hardly even get upset and before I thought that it was because I didn't think we would break up... Up until now we would never really end it.... it would never stick and you would say you were sorry whether you actually were or not and we would pretend to be happy for a couple days before starting another battle. I guess what I am trying to say is I've been so sad for so long, and for the first time I feel like this could be over. Not at all that I want it to be over muffin, but I feel like this could potentially be the end for us. My heart hurts so bad but I am kind of numb to it all. last year I wrote this on April 6th of last year... "I love the way your arms are, the way your shoulders consume me. I love the way you hold me, and your hands. I love that you can wrap your arms around my body and then some. I love your eyes and your smile. I love when you laugh. I love the face you make when you tickle me and the way you hold me down. I love your back and your chest. I love the things you say to me when your mad. And the things you say when you think I'm mad. I love the person you make me. The person I am when I'm around you. I love the way you grabbed my head in the store the other day. I lovethe way you love me. the way you make me feel. I hate it when we fight. But I love it when you're sorry. I love when you buy me ice cream to make me feel better. and when you take care of me when I am sick. I hate your habits. all of them. I hate how much I depend on you for happiness. I hate how scared I am. I hate it so much that I love you. that I feel this way and it is the most amazing thing. I love you. everything about you. even the things I hate. I want you to be ok. to have money. to be happy with that part of your life. I want us to start making decisions. life decisions.together. plans." You know how hard it is for me to make decisions. And I feel like giving me/us 6 weeks to make this huge decision is not fair. I feel like you're trapping me. I feel like I'm finally happy and my own person and you want to steal it away from me like you did 4 years ago. I know you didn't do it on purpose.. I know it's not your fault but I can't help but be scared of it happening again. I don't think it's fair that you finally want to have a life together and start over but only do it if we live together. That makes me feel trapped. I was so upset that you were going to come up and surprise me then decided against it because you thought I was mad and then you decided you were happy you didn't because I went out drinking. That was so unfair, and honestly, it was probably the straw that broke the camels back. Break ups are not cut and dry.. they aren't simple.. especially ours. It's not like we had some highschool relationship... we had 4 years together and there is a lot of baggage there. Muffin, I just wanted you to know all of this, I wanted you to see things how I see them and hear how I feel about all of this. If there is a way to fix this... if there is a way to start over, and be together and happy... I hope we figure it out. I hope you can figure out what I need from you (no matter how impossible it seems), so we can start to rebuild something healthy and happy. I love you more than you probably think right now, and you'll always be my muffin.

Maybe I think that if I replay my nights over and over and turn the memories into words... they will make more sense. At the same time.. I feel like if I talk about it, and think about it too much then it loses validity. I feel like it is less true and less likely and like I am creating these situations. Saturday. Obliterated. wonderful. We were upstairs... and Colin kissed me. like make out kind of kiss.. and Markus walked by. WALKED BY. of course he did. I shoved Colin away. I was so pissed. and I yelled at Colin. M was pissed. so pissed. Every time I said something to him he would get all snotty and tell me colin this, colin that. go home with colin blah blah. It was obvious he was not pleased.. And this is good, right? I've gotten no emotion out of the kid.. no indication that he is interested (other than our sleepovers) I can never get him to admit that he's interested... or he cares... he always says he doesn't care... he doesn't care if I get on the last boat.. he doesn't care if I flirt with jackman... he doesn't care if I leave and go to the legion... nope. but saturday, he cared. he did! right? I mean he was drunk.. we were all very drunk. but he was definitely not pleased with it. so then, THEN he and colin were talking... yeah and markus referred to me as "his girl". he said something about C messing with HIS girl... and they talked but after I heard that I kind of walked away.. avoided the situation. We didn't play sleepover that night. he was too drunk for sex... too drunk. I was too drunk for sex. I totally would have just snuggled, that would have been phenomenal. Did I tell him that? Things are a little scattered but I texted him sunday and he didn't answer... twice. So I am debating... and by debating i mean fighting the urge to... text him and ask him if he wants to hang out saturday.. like together. not necessarily at a party.. maybe before? just chill kind of deal. But I don't even know what to say or where to start. I feel like I have to word things in a certain way for him, and I feel like he won't respond. He rarely responds... He responds when we're drunk.. that's when. So I don't know what to say to him.. if anything. I feel like i shouldn't ask him what he's doing.. that I should just outright say, let's hang out saturday. I don't know why I am having such a hard time with this...

I don't even know if it would be possible to make sense of what I drunkenly wrote the other night. I mean... I don't think I could make sense of what I wrote. I know what I was thinking.. what I'm still thinking... Maybe it's all jumbled, oh dear.

its love.... seriously. which one/. I DONT KNOW> I'm wasted right now. I love markus...i do.... but iove graham. nicky q? i am so infauated with him.. he totally was dancing on me tonight... and for me... yeah. so hes like a close umber 3... markus takes number 1.... easily. i'm tooo drunk to justify playing the game with him... but he's tied with graham and q.. SO CLOSE!! I can't make my decision? which one? oh i love markus so much.. but will anything ever come of it? I DOUBT IT. next is graham... yean oh god... " as long as the genitals line up "{ he said to me... OH GOD. Q is third because i know i have him.. yeah..... but the others? I don't know. nope. MARKUSSSS<3

These thoughts run through my head, they're running in circles. Who am I playing these games with? Am I playing games? I don't understand why I can't be happy.. even satisfied with just one. Or why I can't pick one. How hard is it to make a decision? Why do I invest in the ones I shouldn't... and crush the ones I should keep around? I went out saturday, I saw markus... I am just want him. so bad.. and I have no idea why or how. I hope it isn't because he makes me work for it... because he just seems so uninterested. the other night.. what happened the other night. We were at andrews for a while and I was playing some card game.. kind of with him because I didn't know how to play. Eventually we went up to the legion.. he and connor had to stay. I asked him if he was going to play with me after.. or something. and he wouldn't commit, of course. When we left the house I was like sleep. over. and he said, maybe you (i dont get the you part?) and I said COME ON.. 5 minutes later he asked if I was coming back, I said i was going to finish my beer, he said no, I said I'll be so soon... no answer.. so I said are you going to wait and play? he said, if you come play now... hahah I said so you want me right now? he was like Quit playing games are you coming? haha so I was like I'm comingggg! and I left.

I got so angry the other night. I do this every time. I can't stand being around him with other people. I have such serious commitment issues. And this isn't just prevalent in relationships... it happens in life. Plans with friends, family... everything. I can't commit to a fucking college, or a meal, I can't make decisions. I am the most indecisive person, it's just stupid. I don't know who or what I want. Some days I am so irritated and uninterested and then, out of no where, I am constantly thinking about him. So because I am so annoyed by him, do I just give up and end it? Or, because I get butterflies sometimes when I think about him and how he makes me laugh... that I should just suck it up and put it all on the table? It is all just too much to think about and deal with.

All the signs are there: I'm jealous... I smile.. I wait... I think. All the signs. But I don't want the anticipation of a text message or the invites to stop. I don't want the excitement to go away or for you to fall hard like they usually do. Too hard too fast, and then it's done. I want you to let me chase you a little longer... I want you to tell me how you feel, and most of all I want this to be real. If this is going to be anything, I don't want it to be because of our past.. because of what happened. I'm not sure I'm looking for where ever this is heading. I'm actually positive I am not. I want my cake and I want to eat it too. I have a feeling this will end badly... I have a feeling you're already tumbling and there's no stopping it. I like you... I do! wow, do I. but I'm still not comfortable talking about you to people, I wouldn't be comfortable talking about how much we see eachother. hey! you're the one who called me the cold hearted bitch... you're the one who said they didn't care. I care... I do. It's all so twisted. your innocence makes me laugh, your smile is just too cute, and your inability to understand my sarcasm is just irresistible. I don't want where this is going. And I can't imagine you do either. The things like, when you insist on having your arm around me... clutching me.. holding my hand.. when we watch tv.. When you insist on holding my hand.. and around your roommates? I think holding hands means more. It means more than kissing, more than messing around. holding hands means relationships... means PDA... means seriousness. ohhh but I love the way you wrap your arms around me... I do. I've gotten used to you holding me while I sleep, last night I slept so much; so well. I wasn't ready to get up. so, what is the problem? If it came down to it would I date you? exclusively? I just don't have an answer for that. I would hope that I would not.. that I would continue what I was doing and not go down that road again. Not for a while at least. I'm not ready to answer to someone else.. or have a responsibility, or a level of guilt. And I am certainly not ready for your level of obsession. I don't do well when I am worshipped. I don't want things to change with us, not just yet. I don't want you to proclaim your undying love for me; not now. Can you do that; hold off? The word cute comes to mind when I think of you... the way you act.. the way you dress.. the way you smile. I can't believe you slept over.. I can't believe you came over and stayed in my bed while larry was home. Your lack of caring is so funny to me... it seemed like it didn't even phase you. and you just watched me in my element.. getting ready.. doing stuff.. it was so weird, but good. It was a good weird. I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship. I know I'm not... so you tell me what to want, what to expect.. keep me guessing because that's the only way I'll last. Otherwise I will get bored and give up. You make me smile, and that's all that matters but let's not mess this up, ok?