It's strange. What happened is strange. I kn ow I do this all the time, you know fall in lust... fall in like? and i have figured out... It's really just to get me away from Ben. I am trying to steer my mind away from him which has taken a lot, and god have I made progress... every once in a while I relapse... oh man.

Aaron's wedding was treacherous. His being here made the bad memories come flooding back. A couple days before Aaron's wedding, Aaron and I talked. He made me cry and cry.. telling me he loves me and cares for me and that will never change. I know he's making a huge mistake... god do I know. I think I love him in a special way, I'm not sure how or why.. it's one of those things you should have gone for but you never realized it.. not until it was too late. stale.

so fast forward to this week: I've decided I am not going to play the games anymore.. I've decided to stop altogether. Monday night-a friend of Kath and a bunch of his friends rent a house on Peaks for a week every summer... so we went there. and there was this boy... his name is Brendan... he's 6'4.. hahah he's old... 27? has an MBA... yes. so we chatted... we were all playing charades and he and I talked on the side.. we clicked, right? so I went out the next night to see him.. and the next night (last night).. we totally hung out. I mean it was obvious that we were interested in each other but it wasn't like over the top... it was relaxed. so last night I had to catch a boat and they were all heading to the legion soon after. Right when I was like alright gotta goooo he went to the bathroom but I really had to run.. so I said bye to everyone and then left.

he called me. told me to stop right there. and ran up the hill to say bye. he hugged me and we kissed.. it was ind of bad in a way but it was cute. and just hmmm. I can't stop smiling. today he had to leave, he came up off the 1245... got off the boat. parked. and ran in and gave me a huge hug and said have a good rest of the summer? ohhh man. it was like ahhhh.

and I mean, he's old. and I expect nothing of it. but it was nice. so nice to know there is someone legitimate out there that is interested. Real people... I shouldn't let Ben haunt me anymore. it's so refreshing... and whether or not we talk again.. probably not right?.. it was nice. it was PG.. it was reassuring.

It was so many things. It makes me think a little more positively. I feel good. It makes me smile. It's weird.. and different. yeahh