says baby, well i can't help but be scared of it all sometimes. I'm not so scared anymore. I'm not getting sad at least. I don't like not being home with him, it makes me nervous. but I only realize this when I come home. When I come home to realize he started smoking again.. "not all the time though, not like before" well why at all? I feel like this is it. this is where it starts to unravel... I leave and the smoking starts back up again.. what else? he starts doing other dumb shit? who says he is going to stop here, its like how is this ok? everything I have built.. worked for... just starts to unwind the second I leave. it's disgusting. All this past week I was great, I was fine, I missed him obviously but I wasn't sitting there constantly thinking I needed him next to me, there was no crying there was nothing. maybe coming home wasn't so great.I'm happy to see him but I have this weird feeling... like he's still going to do these things to make me mad. I don't like jill living there... it's not that I find her threatening.. at all. I just don't like it. I don't like that she asks him to bring her to work almost every morning.. I don't like that she helps him clean his room.. and that he didn't call me back the other night because they were cleaning and he got "distracted". and I certainly don't like that she texts him and talks to him all the time because no matter what, in the back of my mind I associate a girls texting him with bad things. things that make my stomach turn. I almost don't want to come home next weekend.. and the weekend after is PR.. so I feel like maybe I should come home? I don't want to spend the money.. or the time. I kind of want to stay at school and go to a party and get drunk and hang out with people.. make friends. my own group of friends. go to a hockey game.. be a real person. today I asked, so what do you want to do about next weekend.. and he said "I don't know I'll be working" well.. how about you think for a second. do you want to see me? me to come home, some input would be phenomenal.