okay, okay. I've completely lost it. woot woot. NOT. last night I was just ahhh thinking about dumb things and just making myself mad about all this stuff and ugh. So I was in a decent mood yesterday, for the most part.. focused.. yes.. and we all know why. so when I was at cinde's I was on the computer and I don't know, all of the sudden I grew balls.. kind of... like he didn't im me.. at all... and then I imed him... and I was like "HOUSE soon!" and he was like yeahh! and that was basicaly the extent of our conversation... and then his away deal said something about purposely serving or serving purposely.. and I left him a message saying, "well, both. I purposely serve the sexual needs of the world, and like I serve purposely tiretiredtiredness." and then, about the sexual needs of the world thing, I was like, okay okay maybe I'm exaggerating a bit...." and he said "lol" kill me. we were good monday night! or so I thought.. I don't know. I shouldn't have gone over there, in all honesty.. because I was doing good.. with the whole "wow I hate you so much" thing... and then after I see him for the first time in a while ... there's the initial wow, things are okay... kidding they're really not kinda deal.. then a couple days later I go back to disliking him and doing well with the whole thing bahhhh fuck fuck fuck. I push him away, I guess, but I don't see it. I just know I do. and Monday.. he was talking about something related to banging, and I said "good, let's bang" and he said, "come over!" and I was like I'm cooking, but I will call you in a bit. and he's like "I didn't think you even wanted to talk to me" either he thinks I am pushing him away or there's someone else.. and he thinks I know?. I don't know I suck, but he sucks more. and I was like, why wouldn't I want to talk to you? and he said "i dunno" fucking idiot. ergh... ahahhaha I was wide awake at 4.. oh yeah, and I went to sleep at 2 that's how many hours of sleep? 2? BASICALLY. fuck fuck fuck. I ruined my back yesterday.... so bad. like I am dieing right now.