I lied. obviously I lied. I could never.. would never.. tell the truth about shit like that.

But christ, it did hurt my feelings.. and maybe I deserve it for what I did to him but seriously?

of course I got defensive, of course i said I didn't care... and of course I pretended that there's no way in hell I would allow myself to have feelings for him.

of course I did.

why didn't I just friggan tell him? He told me it's convenient... that I'm a great bang but.. nope there's nothing there. oh, he said i'm "nice".. yeah that was good. I don't even know how this conversation got started or why.. but I just sat there and took it. He said because of what I did to him, that it was convenient for us... we don't have to worry because of what happened... that it's fun for him. He at one point called me cold hearted...

seriously? there's nothing.. just nothing there?.. that's all I'm good for, just a screw.

and the thing is, this is the most non malicious person I know.. he's the nicest.. quietest.. most gentle person I know. how things went down last night... happened so different from the picture I just created. I was the wasted one. I was the one provoking him. I was the one who said it didn't upset me, and that I didn't care.

It was all me. i dug my own grave... because I didn't have the balls to tell him. I didn't have to balls to tell him that yeah, after 4 months of us playing this game I'm a little tired... after 4 months of banging I might even like him a little.

I should have told him that maybe now, I like seeing the texts... I like seeing him. I do. I should have told him that.

I think when I saw him last weekend... 2 nights in a row... when we actually sat and talked. no drinking... he wasn't drunk.. I think that's what sparked it. I think him coming out last night... that fueled the flame... and when he texted me to see if I was coming over...

then at the pizza place we ate... and I fed him.. and we talked. when we walked down the stairs and he grabbed my hand. all of that. All of those things are the reasons why I feel like this right now.

But what right do I have when I didn't say anything, when I put on my big bad stone wall up, when I acted like the cold hearted bitch I can be.... and just shot it all down.

So there's the smallest of chances.. absolute smallest.. that he had his front up to.. that he might feel a small something but he's not going to put himself out there. All never-minding hillary. and the fact that he LOVES her... ignoring all that bull... I'm still not even considering that.

and my feelings are hurt and I think I was being a bit of a bitch last night.

and I am debating saying something to him... apologizing for not being nice.. telling him how I really sort of actually feel. but I don't think I will... I don't think I should. I don't know. fuck. seriously? fuck.

what did I get myself into? bullshit.