last sunday Alexis and I had a.. heart to heart. we talked. a good talk. shes upset.. well she was. and everything she said to me, how she feels about her self and the situation and but she still cant end it. how she told herself things like, she can't initiate texts or conversations.. little games. that was me. it flooded me with the thoughts and the sickness and the anger i used to have.. sometimes still have. God is it hard to hear that. that she is going through that. that she feels that way. being that person is why i am like I am today. it is why i am so insecure and i have such anxiety and feel so horrible. being that person is the reason I am who I am today, good and bad... and looking back. that was the worst thing I could have done. I felt so horrible and so low about myself and I still hung on. I went through hell and back, and still hung on. what I have now is amazing, maybe even worth it.. but was it fair to put myself through that? No matter how I feel now I did not and do not deserve to feel that way. and neither does she. especially not her. the other night when jay was over they were talking about something... something about some night when they were together.. probably 2 years ago and ben called me and begged me to bring him something to eat.. "pleaseeeee..." just whining.. and that i actually did eventually. I dont think he understand how horrible he made me feel about myself. and who i was to him. how he would call me... to use me to get him things? and I would do it to see him, because then i really started to have feelings and wanted to see him. god i felt so horrible. I thought I was going to throw up. so I put my bottle of stella artois up to my mouth and just drank. until the muscles in my mouth weren't tight like I was going to cry in front of ben's friends. god I wanted to throw up. and of course my response was a sarcastic bitchy remark to hide my pain and insecurity.. its just not fair. Thursday Ben and I had one of the best days together in a long time.. we went to my moms and went snowmobiling.. neither of us had ever been. spending time with him.. not at home.. hearing him giggle behind me on the back of the snow mobile...smiling.. being with my mom and my brother and just.. being about to be ok with my relationship and not have to hide things anymore.. it was phenomenal. just being with him and who we were to eachother and the way he makes me feel .. that is why i put myself through all that, because i dont think i could find what i have with him anywhere else. I dont think i could be as comfortable with anyone else.. and i think deep down he feels the same way.. and i think he leans on my a lot and takes things out on me just like I do on him..i just get a little scared sometimes.