I sent ben an email the other night, this is it....
I know you feel like I've been going down hill since you've been gone, and in a way I have, but I need you to see it from my point of view. Since I was 16 I've devoted my entire life to you. All my time and energy and strength went in to you and our relationship and looking back on it, it is really hard to look back on what I gave up to be with you. It is not that I regret any of it, I could never ever regret the time I spent with you but what hurts is that it was all a waste and meant nothing to you. My high school years... times I should have been with friends, friendships I gave up and ruined all because of you. That's what kills me. The relationships I should have treasured but didn't because I was so caught up in us.
I don't know when or why the insecurities started. I'm not blaming it on you but it certainly had to do with you being with other girls and lying to me... even when we were together, for real, you were still sneaking around.. and not only were you sneaking around you were terrible at hiding it. I had this feeling that you were with me for the sex.. and that was fine in the beginning. And I tried so hard not to fall for you, and then when I did I tried so hard to hide it from you and play it cool. But while I was doing all that it was killing me... you not feeling the same way tore me apart. And so I hung on forever... doing what I had to do to pretend we were happy. And I certainly don't want to believe that you were miserable the whole time... I want to believe that the times when we would laugh hysterically and eat ice cream and tater tots and when you took care of me when I had my wisdom teeth, I want to believe that you were happy too. I want us to, if anything, remember the happy times... like Maryland and when you surprised me in Boston and our little christmas tree. I want to believe that the morning I moved to boston, and you cried with me... that you really were sad and when you said you loved me you really meant it.
I feel like when you finally brought me around your mom it was more because you were fucking your life up but because I was going to northeastern and doing things and I was smart, it would make you look good. I dont want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be sad more often that I am happy, but I am constantly thinking about these things!
Last february.. when I was living in Boston and I was home for spring break we got in a fight over you smoking with jill and you told me not to come back and left my bag by the door. I asked you how you would feel if I did the shit that you did and you said that you wouldn't care because it was my life. My life? It's the times like that, there are too many to count, that make me sick to my stomach.
I miss you every minute of every day. Everything reminds me of you, so many things happen and I think, I need to tell Ben this, or send him a picture of that... but the truth is, I have been checked out for a while. Kath and Alex know nothing about you, I never really talked about you, i mean it really just seemed like you didn't exist. I don't know if thats how I was dealing with the fact of never seeing you or if I just lost faith that we could do this... I don't know. Or maybe it was because I knew you'd never come around, that you would never be interested in meeting my friends. And it's not fair to you for me to feel that way and act like that but for months this winter you just let me ignore your texts, you accepted my excuses, and pretended like everything was ok. you enabled me. If you really cared that much how could you standby and let me push you away? I got to a point this winter that if you weren't going to appreciate me and go out of your way, then I certainly wasn't going to appreciate you. But I never stopped loving you, and somehow I've never stopped being in love with you.
I think the way I feel about you is something rare and I feel like there has to be a way for us to to get past all of this and for me to get over all of this but I just don't know how. I mean obsessing over the relationship didn't help, pretending that it didn't exist didn't help.. I just don't know what to do. I mean the only option was to end things, wasn't it?
I'm too tired and we are too old for me to beg you to stay with me and for me to try and get you to beg me to change my mind. This past 9 months have been different for me in the sense that when we fight I don't cry, i hardly even get upset and before I thought that it was because I didn't think we would break up... Up until now we would never really end it.... it would never stick and you would say you were sorry whether you actually were or not and we would pretend to be happy for a couple days before starting another battle. I guess what I am trying to say is I've been so sad for so long, and for the first time I feel like this could be over. Not at all that I want it to be over muffin, but I feel like this could potentially be the end for us. My heart hurts so bad but I am kind of numb to it all. last year I wrote this on April 6th of last year...
"I love the way your arms are, the way your shoulders consume me.
I love the way you hold me, and your hands.
I love that you can wrap your arms around my body and then some.
I love your eyes and your smile.
I love when you laugh.
I love the face you make when you tickle me and the way you hold me down.
I love your back and your chest.
I love the things you say to me when your mad.
And the things you say when you think I'm mad.
I love the person you make me.
The person I am when I'm around you.
I love the way you grabbed my head in the store the other day.
I lovethe way you love me. the way you make me feel.
I hate it when we fight. But I love it when you're sorry.
I love when you buy me ice cream to make me feel better.
and when you take care of me when I am sick.
I hate your habits. all of them.
I hate how much I depend on you for happiness.
I hate how scared I am.
I hate it so much that I love you.
that I feel this way and it is the most amazing thing.
I love you. everything about you. even the things I hate.
I want you to be ok. to have money. to be happy with that part of your life. I want us to start making decisions. life decisions.together. plans."
You know how hard it is for me to make decisions. And I feel like giving me/us 6 weeks to make this huge decision is not fair. I feel like you're trapping me. I feel like I'm finally happy and my own person and you want to steal it away from me like you did 4 years ago. I know you didn't do it on purpose.. I know it's not your fault but I can't help but be scared of it happening again. I don't think it's fair that you finally want to have a life together and start over but only do it if we live together. That makes me feel trapped. I was so upset that you were going to come up and surprise me then decided against it because you thought I was mad and then you decided you were happy you didn't because I went out drinking. That was so unfair, and honestly, it was probably the straw that broke the camels back.
Break ups are not cut and dry.. they aren't simple.. especially ours. It's not like we had some highschool relationship... we had 4 years together and there is a lot of baggage there. Muffin, I just wanted you to know all of this, I wanted you to see things how I see them and hear how I feel about all of this. If there is a way to fix this... if there is a way to start over, and be together and happy... I hope we figure it out. I hope you can figure out what I need from you (no matter how impossible it seems), so we can start to rebuild something healthy and happy. I love you more than you probably think right now, and you'll always be my muffin.