I found my chevelle cd. I am now happy. it's wednesday.. I've had a head ache since hmmm sunday morning. It hurts so bad. I'm so tired. and angry and I have so much anxiety . I'm so dissatisfied... I need to not be like this. I need to not treat people like I do. It's mean... I'm such a mean person. I'm so selfish. I wish I could be in a relationship. I'm scared. I'm scared because I know that I would go back to ben.. I would give in ... at the slightest hint that he wanted to see me. I play these games. I have played games from the very beginning. and I hide things. I can't anymore. I wish he's thinking that I'm losing interest.. and thats why we don't talk anymore.. I talk to him maybe.. maybe 2 times a week... and see him maybe once.. and yet I am soo enfixed on him. fuck. I wish I could just tell him. HA. that'd be a laugh. the last time I did that.. I was drunk.. so I had that to lean back on... people are always foolish when they're drunk. but it's the truth that comes out. I can't have that. If he knew how I felt.. what was going on... that'd make me vulnerable.. I can't have that. I'm so consumed by this.. it's affecting my health. It's not just him. not at all. I know I am not one of those boy craazy girls that falls for every boy that comes along. I know I am not that person... I don't obsess.. I just fell for him.. pretty hard.. and that's not me. I dont fall for guys. I use and abuse.. and move on.. I have balls in every other situation.. why not this one... why not when it comes to the things that matter. I am so tired. I am stressed. SO stressed. It's not his fault. I just miss him. so much. sometimes he knows when things are wrong, and asks me.. but I never talk.. I never want to. Not when it's something that matters.. and often it's him that is bothering me... we were in bed the other night and said something.. I couldn't remember what if my life depended on it.. and I returned with "well I dont really talk to you anymore soooo..." in the sense of WE don't talk. not like we used to. and he just brushed it off or something. I let things like that affect my. that killed me. I guess I blew it in the beginning. or maybe he moved on. the sex isn't even that good anymore. the passion is gone.. it was fun when I knew he wanted me... when I knew he was mine.. but now.. he's not.. not even close and I lost my motivation.. I became sad.. and tired.. and unhappy with the situation. I feel bad. you'd think if that's what he wanted me for I may as well make it good for him... bahaha if he read any of these.. good lord. It's not like I am this moping existance.. I am fine in school... I am just cranky.. always.... but I've always been like this. and everything is just stinking right now. I'm not in love. but it's close. what's so ridiculous is... I love the nights when I'm with him. in his bed. sleeping. watching house. even if I roll over to escape his grasp.. I know hes there... and I know it'll only be a matter of time before he pulls me towards him. I love the rite aid trips. and how he grabs my face. and how we get in slapping fights.. and how he picks me up.. I love his eyes.. good lord. bahhh. I like it when he holds my hand... and I absolutly hate it when he does the claw-grabby-thing right above my knee..he only does it in the car. I hate how he tickles me until I want to just cry.. Its so cute.... I love how he pouts and says "sowwy" like my 3 year old brother.. I love it when he pulls my face towards him when I refuse to kiss him..or when he makes my arms collapse at the elbows so he can kiss me. I love that he said "its not like anything can be awkward between us anymore"... the other day.. ahh I love me when I'm with him. why does doing this make me feel better... bahhhh. I need to finish homework.