I feel horrible. not only physically but mentally. and ahhh. last night was tyuck. I feel so ehhhh. and all I wanted was ben. I was with kyle but all I could think about was ben.. and it sucked. and I don't what to do. I hate ahhh. ben is the reason I am so irritable.. and exhausted. mentally exhausted from chasing him, hoping he'll realize something. hoping he will go one way or the other.. not just fuck around in between .. not choosing, because he's too much of a coward. he can mak eme feel like shit.. though I doubt he realizes it..and he can just ahh but there's no way he could pick a side.. pick one of us. make a fucking decision. I am so tired. I dont know how I am awake right now. I know why... but not how.