This one's going to be lengthy.. well, here's life: Ben is ben.. the good ben. the one that's kept me around for the last year and a half. oh lord has it been a while. He's real now. and I still think of the thing he had with the girl and that crap... and it makes my stomach hurt and I get these thoughts and they just turn my mood completely. The things with Jeff... we'ren't fair.. or nice.. or I don't know.. they weren't good. I try and think that if Ben wasn't Ben, and we weren't tangled up in this mess, and we hadn't been who we are, jeff would have been ideal. he would have been better than ideal, he would have been perfect. But then I think of all the things that he does that just push my buttons.. and make me want to just tell him to stop talking. His personality is not me. Though his actions are, how he treated me is, and how he cared about me. But his personality, was the complete opposite of mine, and it just drove me nuts. He called wayyy too much. He fell too hard, far too fast. And he pushed me. He was great to hang out with as a friend.. to cook dinner with, and go out to eat with but there was no physical.. or even intellectual attraction. none. And he didn't get when to back off, and didn't get the hints that I don't want to see him, and that he was getting way too serious wayyy too fast. He was on a level far above mine in terms of how he felt. I saw him as an obnoxious yet endearing friend, and I was the love of his life. My stress level was through the roof with him. He just pushed me so hard, and things didn't need to end like that.. they didn't.. but really, he brought it on himself. I guess I started it, but when he didn't grasp that I couldn't talk, that I was busy doing work.. and sleeping and working. When he didn't grasp the fact that I had things to do, and when I got done with those things (working etc.) I would call him. I would call him that afternoon, not days later. When he showed up at Hanni's I was stunned and angry. When he followed me around, every step I took, it excalated to annoyed and pissed off. what could possibly motivate him to drive an hour froms school.. hop on a boat... and show up at my work eventhough I said I would call him later? his answe: I thought I would surprise you. SURPRISE ME!? How about send me right into anger management. And I told him that he was smothering me. I indeed used the word "smother" more so, I emphasized the word and how exactly he was doing so. and he still looked at me like I was speaking friggan arabic. Partially I hung out with him so there would be a night that ben would want me to come over and I would be able to reply with "I can't tonight" on account of having actual plans that I wanted to follow through with. BUT even then I would want to leave early to see Ben. I needed to realize that Ben is pretty much all I want now, and all I can handle. We're tangled up, and it's going to kill me when it's done, but now its good enough to be worth it. And I think about school, and how I always wanted to get away.. get out of here, but now I think, and for so many reasons I feel like I can't. I'm almost scared. I've always been big and bad and I've always been the one to do things on my own, but I can't leave larry, and the security of home and him and I just.. can't. And Ben.. lord knows if we will make it anoter year, but leaving him, that would pretty much kill me. Now, I would never make a decision so important as college based on a relationship.. or anything like that, but leaving will be difficult. maybe too difficult? I've been saying for months that I'm done with SPHS, and I'm done with the crap that goes right alone with it, but within those walls, I am not only secure, but I have such strong ties, and I don't know if I will function in college in the way that I function in high school. I have the ambition and intelligence and dreams to go off, and be big and bad in Boston or New York, but do I really have the strength to leave dad, and adrienne and johnny and Ben. ahhh it scares me to think that I don't. But the other part of me has no doubt that I will get in, and be fully prepared and march right off into school. I really just don't know anymore. And physics is killing me and so is Micro. and I just, I am tired. I want stuff to come easy for once, and it's just not happening. I'm so scared I won't get in. So scared that I will fail everyone, and myself. fail myself. The way Ben and I are together.. the way I am with him, it just works. and it works well. With him, there is no change, we still have the same jokes, and the same staring contests, and he always rubs my back when he really pisses me off, and I always bite his shoulder when he's mad at me. sleeping next to him is pretty much what I need right now. ohhh life.