I am getting that really anxious feeling again. I feel like I need to be doing something other than whatever I am doing at the moment and feel really preoccupied. I can't focus on anything. I was attempting to read this book 'Atonement' by Ian McEwan which is really good but I just can't get through it. I re-read pages because I was reading the words but thinking about things that happened last summer... last month... last week... Random things... I've rethought a lot of things, prevented a lot of feelings and happenings. I am sick of not going to school. It was to the point where I didn't want to skip school to go skiing. I love skiing, it used to be my life. At school as lame as it is... I am just more comfortable.. and I force myself to focus because I convince myself that so much is at risk. I have had my mind set on college... getting mostly A's.. I overwhelm myself.. I don't need to think about that shit now. I push myself too hard and make myself sick.. I can't handle being unorganized mentally or physically. I sit here and make lists of teachers and homework.. and what exactly I need to do, who to get help from, what work I need to do first. I am making myself nuts. And the last thing I need is people obsessing over something that won't happen. I try not to be an ass about it but come on.. don't be so sure of yourself.. especially when it comes to me. And then Barrio called me when he was at Tony's and we were talking about random crap and he was being is stubborn self... and freaking out because I told Tony some things that literally no one else knows... and he absolutely needed to know.. and then when Tony told him about our hanging out a few times he freaked out. And pulled this stubborn jealousy thing. He won't admit to himself that he still has feelings for me because he is nothing more than a friend to me.. never has been. And then they had a bet on how I felt about Tony which pissed me off even more. Alex & Adrienne are staying in Florida until thursday, my mom went all paranoid about them getting stuck in DC today, so she changed their flights. Mom, Carl, and Gus are coming home on saturday... In the car yesterday I was thinking about my parents and friends and whathave you.. (while I was trying to read of course).. and just thought about the people who are so protective over me... like the day I was called a slut.. for sitting on Dunlap's knee... brody dunlap and joey all stood up and defended me.. not that I needed it.. just it caught me by surprise... they are like brothers.. very very protective ones. I hate making decisions.. I just don't like it. More so the smaller ones. venting much...?.. yuh