yay for being sad. sunday night ... last sunday night.. drunk as all hell.. benjamin calls me and all he can say is he misses me. and why hadnt he seen me all weekend and all this crap. and I thought, well, drunk people usually say how they feel when they're drunk so maybe he's being real. of course not. I saw him monday... when I didnt go to class.. and tuesday for an hour. but that was the start of my chicken pox.. and I went over at like 845 to watch house and he pretty much was sleeping.. and I havent seen him since.. and have talked to sebas more in th elast hour than I have talked to ben in a week. hows my life. and I think part of it is his phone and my phone suck.. and I dont get his texts a lot.. and if I do I get them literally hours later.. like the other night.. thursday or friday.. he texted me and asked if I was feeling better and I said "mhmm" and then literally hours later I got a message saying "good! :] sweet dreams you! :]" and its like ahhh. I love you so much but you're so stupid and you don't know or dont get it and it's so frusterating.. and tonight at like 7.. I said "where is it!" and at like 9 he sent me something saying "at mcdonalds eating a salad..." so I said ewww man thats sick or something and a while later he said.. "what if I asked you where you were?" its like what the hell do you mean by that? I dont care if you ask me.. I'm fricken sitting in a car talking about life with lex and jess.. SERIOUSLY BENJAMIN. and then later I said, I dont really know why I havent seen you in 10 days.. " and eventually I got a message saying "what ar eyou doing.." ahh I dont know. and I'm so tired. I want us to not fall apart. and I wish I could trust him and not panic and think everything is done when I dont see him or talk to him.. and the bad always contradicts the good.. even if he told me he missed me a hundred times just days before.. It's like I believe it... eventhough he was wasted.. and I dont really know if hearing him say it sober would help because I dont know if I can believe it... but I do believe it.. I just need us to not be like this. It was so hard for me to even say it back to him.. he said it so many times "but I miss you" blah blah and the entire conversation I said "i miss you too" once. everyother time was " I know " orr "aww"... I can't put myself in a vulnerable situation. No matter how much I feel and how true it is.. I just cant. And I'm so ahh about it. I don't know if its sad.. or mad.. but I really am just unhappy. I need him.. I need to be next to him and lay and sleep and ugh. I'm just so unhappy about it. I don't know what to do or think.. and I try to just not talk to him for a night or let him call me or ahh I don't know and sometimes it just doesn't work and I don't understand why.. if he's home.. he doesnt ask me to come over. I called him yesterday to tell him something and said "well what are you doing..." and I said "nothing..." and he just said "oh" why can't he just say.. come over.. lets hang out.. why does he have to be like this! Why do we both have to be scared of all this. I would almost rather put myself in that crap position than feel like this. ahh this is so sickening. Had a good talk with jess and lex tonight.. soo needed.. so good.ahh I feel like crap.