well, I've finished my common app, and by Boulder applications.. I just need to send them out kind of..If I don't get into Northeastern I'll probably die. I want to go away .. so bad. but the way things are with Ben.. It makes me want to rethink it all. It makes me not want to leave him. And considering out past.. this isn't going to go on forever.. because we suck... I mean, making it to spring will surprise me but I just don't know if I will be able to let go so easily. He would never influence my decision on where I'm going, but I just, ahhh. Its difficult to think about things.. not involving him.. and this year... I'm being a real person and ahhh. I dont want to get attached.. but It happened... it happened so long ago I can't even remember. and I hate it. but everything is so good.. him and school and kidddies and just good all around. I feel junk ish.. just so exhausted.. like I'm never getting enough sleep. its crap. but sebas imed me today. ahah sebas. so adorable.. and innocent ahhh.