hmmm very very tired. Lots of things to do this weekend. Hawthorne heights is coming tomorrow... yessuh sounds like a ball to me.. I need someone to come with me... yeah thats it :) .. cam shane and brit are going to be there but ughhh. Larry got home from florida on wednesday, he didnt call me last thursday.. I was so mad at him and all he had to say for himself was 'I had a rough day of traveling.' And what was worse when my mom had to tell him I was really upset and he didn't even fucking remember. ARGH.. Yesterday I snapped and refused to do the whole smile the whole day and what not... as with today. Alex M came up to me and asked me what was wrong, and that I am usually so happy and smiling. HA screw everyone, no one knows who I really am, what I really like. I am sick of everyone.. I was talking to my mother about it the other day. (yes, my mother) and I told her I wanted to go to colorado... she freaked out because she thinks I am just trying to escape this bullshit. Which isnt exactly a lie.. I just don't want to deal with the dumbness. Speaking of dumbness... I made allyssa cry the other night on the bus back from B.E. I told her that she was a piece of shit that plays guys. Especially the ones who don't deserve it. Not that any guy deserves it. Well some.. those scummy assholes do... but there are very few of those. I've done a lot of pulling away lately.. And I think it's so wierd when the people you least expect to be comforting are. I've even pulled away from kyle, someone I've continued to talk to. He told me I've been refusing to tell him things; talk to him. What I don't understand is that 2 weeks ago, he wouldn't tell me anything, and now it's flip flopped. I really need a hug. Not from any one... someone in specific.. but I don't know who... Everything is turning to hell... dumb dumb I AM NOW RECALLING THE WEEKEND OF; "The pro's and con's of getting hit by a car" as well as "I love you, no I dont love you... 24 hours later, I love you so god damn much, well I dont love you" That was fun...? speaking of that.. i've been meaning to type this out... i was looking for something and found this.. "dear casey, you are my best buddy, really. I just don't get the reason why I make you so unhappy. we used to be able to talk about everything and we still do but you dont open up as much and be yourself in front of me when we're in the halls or at lunch. I counted how many words you said to me at lunch, and it was horrible, 31 words. You mean so much to me, and if you have been having a bad week or so it's cool and just tell me and maybe you'll feel better. I'm not pinning anything on you, and don't feel obligated to say anything you're not comfortable talking aboutwith me or opening up that easily. I'm willing to go to what ever [something] you like. And it's good to be happy around eachother and not focus on the bad so much like a test or an argument with your family. Focus on that point in time where you are and be yourself and happy When I'm around you I feel happy.. But at the same time I can't help but think that I'm making you unhappy, and that's not good so if that's the case please tell me and I will do things differently. Truly you mean a loooot to meand I dont want you to be unhappy, I will do anything in my power to keep you happy! I know you don't like to smile but it would be cool if we could work on that so it would come naturally! sincerely , Bruce W." yes and that's not the good one. The other one.. the one he wrote me right after we broke up shows it a little better. And I am not trying to rip on him... but I dont know I don't really think I deserved the shit I recieved when I really didn't do it... I'll get to that at some point.