I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I want to be in September.. I don't think I want to be here.. Lastnight I realized that I kind of need to go.. That I can't build the future I want from here. I don't have control and it scares me. I absolutely can not stay here if what we have isn't different. I can't be here if things are going to end up like they always have. If I stay here and risk it all to save money.. I need him to be there. I need him to tell if he would want to stay together when I leave.. Regardless of doing so or not. I need to know were both on the same level and I am to him what he says I am. I feel like I need to go experience it. My mind is so unfocused and I feel like I don't know what I want. Nothing is clear. I'm not in control of anything and I can't handle it. I think that I just need to get away.. But I don't think my reasons for that are the right ones.